I'd Sell My Soul, But I'm Not Sure I can Find It
by StatsGrandma57
Summary: Jacen Solo on Yavin, training to be a Jedi Knight. He's not enamored of the idea, to say the least. I've decided to continue with the story. Chapter 15 is up and concludes this story.
1. Chapter 1

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 1

(Jacen Solo narrating)

It was bad enough having to attend classes at the Temple on Coruscant. But now that day school's out, we have to spend go for three months to Yavin.

My sister's fine with it. Jaina likes the whole warfare thing, likes fighting and especially she likes winning. She's like a star student and me? Well, I'm just a fucking idiot and I don't care about the stuff they talk about here. They say Jedi Knights are the peacekeepers of the galaxy. If we're so into peace, why do we have to spend all our time training like soldiers? That's so stupid.

It'd be okay if I was alone, but it's really pretty fucking humiliating having your twin sister being better at everything. She says we're a team but most of the time she wants to be cool so she doesn't pay much attention to me. She's totally one of the Kewl Kids, and they don't want anything to do with sentients like me.

I hate Yavin.

So what if it was the first major victory scored by the Rebellion? I know because my mom and dad and my uncle were there for it. Even my aunt was there, but Uncle Luke didn't know her till the party they had afterwards.

Maybe I'm wrong, but in galactic history they teach that the Empire was evil. I'm sure it was. But sometimes I wonder if it's better. My mom's all about trying to make it better. Sometimes I think she likes her job more than she likes us.

Pissed at my dad, too. I was sure he'd stick up for me not going; he's not into the Force at all, he respects it enough but he also doesn't hold with kids being made into soldiers. Uncle Luke, who I'm also pissed at, said we weren't gonna be made soldiers. He lies. And my parents believe him. He's always on my case to take the stuff they're teaching us more seriously. In fact, it's so serious here it's like nobody can take a joke.

At least Mom and Dad can always take a joke.

"Jacen, c'mon, we're gonna practice fencing," Jaina says, trying to drag me by my hand. I pull it back from her.

"Why don't you go hang out with the Kewl Kids? It's what you are," I bite at her.

"C'mon, Jace, you're not even giving it a chance. We've only been here a week, and you've made up your mind you hate it." She scowls at me.

That's 'cause all she has to do is walk up to someone and she's all good with it. I'm not. She and Anakin and even Jarik, they're all better at it.

I miss our apartment with its awesome swimming pools, which is where I'd be right now if I wasn't stuck here. I taught Jarik to swim last summer. He sends me holos of stuff he's drawn and I like that.

I asked if I could at least bring a guitar or a keyboard but I was told no. And of course none of my pets can be here. Animals and music, that's what I love most. My dad and I were composing a couple pieces. I wonder if he'll finish 'em himself or just forget about 'em. He said we'd work on it when I came back but who knows. Maybe he just lied to make me feel better.

Uncle Luke pissed me off most. He was like almost ordering my parents to send us off. He said we could train on Coruscant during school but would have to go to Yavin in the hot season. I guess he and my mom agreed to send us when we were fifteen. Well, I'm fifteen and I'm not real happy about it.

Mom and Dad could have pushed back. But they didn't. Uncle Luke sounded like I was gonna die if I didn't train to be a Jedi. I'm not interested in being a Jedi. I have the Force but I want to use it for good things, like caring for animals when they're sick or sad, and writing and playing music. It's like around here those things, nobody talks about 'em.

And I hate running. We have to run seven kilometers every day, and then do gymnastics and other stuff I hate. I'm not good at sports. I'm not interested in lifting something up that's ten times my weight. I don't care about being able to outrun anyone.

Plus, we have to wear the stupid padawan uniforms. I hate uniforms.

Just take me home, please, somebody, anybody. I'll clean my room and I won't bitch about other chores. I'll watch Jarik every day. I think he's the only one that misses me except for my animals.

We can have our comms but only during certain times of the day. I feel like I'm in prison.

I know it makes me sound like a wimp but I like being at home. I've got a few good friends. I don't need everyone to like me but here, nobody does.

I could take a transport back if I had credits but we were told to leave credits at home, it would distract from training. I'd like to be distracted from this place.

It's time to go to lecture about the deeds of the great Jedi Masters. Boring. Maybe I'll nod off in the back and no one will notice.

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It's dinner time. At least the food's okay. It's not as good as my dad's cooking, but it's fine. The salad's not all wilted, the fruits are good, and they even make desserts. Uncle Luke says he studied with Yoda and Yoda never made desserts.

I think I could've liked Yoda. I heard he was a real badass when things got heated up. But who knows. I heard he was green.

I have my datapad in front of me during the lecture, and I play Grand Theft Star Destroyer: Commercial Sector.

There's three other guys in the back with me. They look totally bored off their asses.

"Hey." The guy next to me nudges me. I glare at him. He'll probably rat me out by the end of class.

"Hey, chill! You got Grand Theft Commercial! That's the bomb!"

I don't say anything.

Finally, the lecture's over. This dude and the other two dudes sitting with me get up.

"Hey, take it easy! You think I was gonna tell the Master or something?" He laughs and puts out his hand. "Renfro Lerch. You?"

"Jacen Solo." I shake his hand.

"Isn't that short chick your sister?" one of the other guys asks me. "She's hot!"

"She's a butt pain," I grumble. The guys laugh. I'm not liking this very much. Just more people to make fun of me.

"C'mon, dude, eat with us," one of the guys, named Dersh, invites me.

Don't have anything better to do. Might as well.


	2. Chapter 2

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 2

So I decide I'm gonna have dinner with Renfro, Dersh and the other guy who's named Shota. Renfro's from Coruscant but in another part, so he wouldn't be at my school. In fact, he tells us he got kicked out of day school.

"They wanted to send me to this remedial school, but my grandpa was Force sensitive and he told my parents to get in touch with Luke Skywalker. I guess I registered high enough on Force talent so that they shipped me off six months ago."

"You've been here six months? You mean all the time?"

"You got it." Renfro said. "Gets me outta the house, anyway."

"So where's your grandpa?" I ask. I don't have grandparents, so I'm kinda like, what's it like.

"Dead now."

"Did he train?"

"Nope. Never. He was a Force sensitive, but when Skywalker came to visit, he was already real sick."

"That's MASTER Skywalker," Dersh says, but he's like being so sarcastic.

"Gimme a break. Master of boredom, if you ask me," Renfro snarls. "I hate this shit."

"So how do you do it?"

"Do what?" Shota asks me.

"Ignore him, he's a total moron," Renfro tells me. "Get through this crap? I've got my secrets."

"So are you gonna tell me or not?" I ask him.

"Hmm, whaddya think, guys?" Dersh says.

"Hmm. I'm not sure." Renfro seems to be like the leader.

"Think what?" I'm getting annoyed.

"I can help you," Renfro says.

"You don't understand," I tell him, and he doesn't.

"Don't understand what?" Renfro's not so friendly anymore.

"Master Skywalker's my uncle." Now that's a problem nobody can solve.

"You serious?" The guys seem a little more impressed now.

"My mom's his sister."

"So your mom's a Jedi?" Shota asks.

"Nah, well, she is, she's not into it."

"So why'd she make you go?" Dersh asks.

"'Cause my uncle's a real asshole."

"Hmm. Guess you're not his favorite nephew," Renfro says, amused.

"Not even close."

"And the hot girl, that's your sister?" Shota wants to know.

"Worse. She's my twin. She was born five minutes before me, and she thinks that makes her superior."

"You set me up with her?" Shota asks.

"Please. She's all gaga over Jag Fel."

"Yeah, well, he's going into the Navy when he finishes," Renfro. "Guess she's gonna have to find someone else to do her."

"Shut up." I've heard enough. I pick up my tray and don't say goodbye to any of them.

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(Jaina)

I don't know what in the nine hells is wrong with Jacen. It's really pretty cool being here. I think becoming a Jedi's great. I'm not sure I'd want to be a Jedi knight. It's good to know, and it'll help me get into the Navy where I can become a pilot.

The only thing that bums me out is that Jag's graduating end of summer and he's off to the Navy. I think I might like him more than he likes me. He's so hung up on being a pilot he doesn't think of anything else, at least not here. But I guess I gotta focus, too, if I'm gonna be the greatest pilot since my dad.

I think the training's great. I like running and fencing and all the physical stuff. My dad says most of the reason he survived was 'cause he could run faster than almost anyone. He says sometimes low tech works.

I do kinda miss my mom and dad and my brothers, but I'm having fun. The only drag's my brother Jacen. He's here and he's like being such a loser. He complains that he misses his animals, he hates everyone here.

The thing is, he could be real good at this. He really could. But he'd rather just bitch. Does he really think Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara aren't going to notice? Does he think Uncle Luke won't call our mom? (If you do something bad, it's better to call my dad. Mom will kill you, so you don't even go there.)

It's not like we don't have any fun around here. After evening discussion, we can play games, watch holovision, read, whatever you want. They've got a decent swimming pool. It's usually for learning how to deal with being drowned or someone else being drowned, but they open it up to us at night for a couple hours. Jacen doesn't go in, says he'd rather be home in the pool with Jarik.

Don't get me wrong, I like playing with Jarik, too, and sometimes I'm jealous he doesn't have to worry about things like the Force. But I'm glad to be here.

And what was that shit about eating with the posers at dinner? That's all those three guys are. Okay, yeah, they're Force sensitive, we all are here, but they're just losers. And my twin brother's turning into one if he hangs out with them. I did fencing with Renfro first day and he was ahead for a while, but he was so pissed off that it was easy to outrun him. Same with Dersh. And Shota? Who'd he bribe to come here? Force is so weak in him it doesn't count.

I think I'll see if Jag's around, maybe we can hang out, if not, I'm gonna have to talk to my twin brother about us being a team. Because we're supposed to be but he won't hold up his end.

Boys are so stupid.

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Han, Anakin, Jarik, and I are eating at Bakura Barbecue. Jarik and Han are watching the smashball game between Han's Dreadnoughts and a team that's beating the stuffing out of them, which is usual.

Anakin is very quiet. He looks upset. I'm not sure what it is, since he and Jarik spent the day in the water, their favorite hot season activity, and Anakin's friends were all around them.

"Ani, sweetie?" I try to capture his attention.

"Yeah?"

"What's wrong?"

Anakin hesitates. "I shouldn't say anything."

Han takes his attention away from the holo for a moment.

"Anakin, what's up?" He's got Han's attention now.

He looks nervous.

"It's Jacen."

Han frowns. "What about Jacen?"

"I don't think he likes it where he is."

"That's not exactly shocking, seeing as he never wanted to even go to the Temple here on Coruscant," Han said, his attention returning to the game.

"I think he might get in trouble," Anakin tells me.

"Sweetie, that's not for you to worry about. Let the adults do that. It's our job," I tell him.

"I think he should come home," Anakin persists. "Jaina likes it but he doesn't."

"He'll be home soon," I assure him. "He's such a homebody, this could be good for him."

Anakin decides against further discussion. I'm sure Jacen is feeling a lot of anxiety, but this will be good for him. Luke and Mara agree. Even Han was willing to let him attend.

Jacen's been the type of kid who only has a few close friends, versus Anakin, whom everyone he meets is his friend. It's going to be difficult for him, but I think we made the right decision. Maybe some of Jaina's enthusiasm will rub off on him. She's excited to be going, albeit for different reasons; she thinks it will help her get into the Navy. Her father and I abhor this career path for her. Maybe she'll change her mind. We're keeping silent on that. Biting one's tongue is a technique that needs to be strategically deployed in raising kids.

And then there's Jagged Fel, the boy who took her to prom. Jaina has a huge crush on him, but he's preparing to go into the Alliance Navy. I'd wonder if this was his influence but she wanted to do this long before she met Jag.

If he breaks her heart, Han will make sure he's in a world of hurt. He won't kill him - too quick and merciful. He prefers slow torture.

I confess that I worry more about Jacen than Jaina. He's so sensitive and he's on the shy side. Making friends is not easy for him. But if he's Force sensitive, he should learn to use it constructively.

Of course, I should talk. I still hesitate to let the Force fully into my life. I can't help but feel hypocritical. Sending my kids off when I don't know if I can ever face up to it.

My hesitation comes from watching Luke, at least before he met Mara. He was so serious for so long. Then again, Mara has Force sensitivity and she's very levelheaded and amusing. She's had a great balancing influence on Luke, and becoming parents has changed him for the better. Granted, I disagree with their trying to raise little Ben to be Force sensitive already, but who's to say? Han and I have done what we believe is right, but we're not about to say that our way is the only way.

Our food comes, and except for Anakin, we're eating with gusto. I was very tired after work and in need of some good barbecue, and Bakura never fails to deliver. Servers ask what meat you want and then they bring serving bowls of various sides around and hot rolls. It is a waistline killer but it's incredibly delicious. It's one of the few dishes I prefer to drink ale with; they've got an incredible selection. One of the few things that wasn't destroyed from Alderaan was a few brewmasters or at least their recipes. This place has ales and beers and liquors from all over the galaxy.

Anakin loves the hot rolls here but he's barely touching his.

"Honey, Jacen will be just fine," I tell him. "You need to eat." He's not going to be as tall as Jacen, but he's growing fast.

He remains unconvinced. In the meantime, there's food to be devoured and disastrous smashball games to be yelled at.

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(Jacen)

"Jacen, we're going to the pool," Jaina tells me. "C'mon."

"Not in the mood."

"Well, then get in one! C'mon!"

"I'm just gonna stay here and read."

"Your loss," she says, and I close the door. My roommate, Okey, comes by a little while later and asks if I want to do some fake dueling. I don't wanna. I don't wanna do anything.

What's wrong with me? Why do I feel like this? I feel like it's dark all around me. When I'm home I'm okay. I have my friends and Jaina isn't always busting my chops and Jarik's fun to play with. I even miss Anakin, the whiny little shit.

I really want one of my guitars. I mean, I'd only bring the acoustic one. Dad and I refurbished this really pretty Martin. It looked like crap when we got it but Dad knows lots about wood and what sounds good. It's awesome. He made the strings for it and showed me how to do it, too.

I'm gonna go find Uncle Luke or Aunt Mara. Their apartment's next to the temple grounds. Maybe they'll let me have my guitar. It won't be loud, and it'd make me feel better.

I press the talk button on the intercom after I put in their code.

Uncle Luke comes on. "Who is it?"

"It's me, Jacen."

"C'mon up."

Wow, he's actually not being an asshole to me. Well, right now, anyway.

I get up there and Uncle Luke lets me in. "Mara's just given Ben his bath and is getting him ready for bed," he says. "You seem to be pretty upset."

"Uncle Luke, can I have my dad ship me my guitar? I mean, I'd only use the acoustic one, and I like practicing."

He looks at me with That Look. "I think you need to be paying more attention to your work at the Temple. I've noticed you've been slacking ever since you got here. I know you don't want to be here, but like it or not, you're strongly Force sensitive, and you'd make a terrific Jedi Knight if you applied yourself."

Aunt Mara comes out with my little cousin. Ben's so cute. He's got bright red hair like my aunt. "Jacen! How are you?"

"I was just telling Uncle Luke I'd like to have one of my guitars," I tell her, hoping she'll see it my way.

"I know you're not happy here," Aunt Mara says gently. "But if you do the work, you'll feel much better, and three months will be gone before you know it."

"What if I don't want to be a Jedi Knight?"

They look at each other like, what the fuck?

"Sometimes, our destinies are chosen for us," Uncle Luke says.

"I don't want anyone choosing mine."

"It's not that simple," Uncle Luke says. "When I met Ben Kenobi -"

"Yeah, I know the story." I've heard it bunches of times. Don't need to hear it again. My dad says you can choose at least part of your destiny, if not all of it. So who's lying?

"So I can't get my guitar," I say to them. "I just wanna play it in the evenings after studies are done."

"I think you should put that time into making friends and learning your material." Uncle Luke isn't going to bend on this.

"I don't think it would hurt," Mara says. "How about this? You start showing more motivation and after two weeks, you can have your guitar. But not the one that blares out."

"I'd only have my dad send my Martin. That's acoustic."

Uncle Luke isn't real happy with what she says, but okay, he says, fair enough.

"Guess I better go now," I say. I'd usually stick around and play with Ben but he looks sleepy. And besides, Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara are teachers now, they're not my friends.

And Uncle Luke's a total dick about it. Fuck him.


	3. Chapter 3

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 3

(Han)

Got a text comm from Jacen. He apparently asked Luke and Mara if he could have one of his guitars. They told him no, not right now.

WTF? The kid asked if he could bring a musical instrument. He only wants it for when he's not in lessons. I texted Luke back and said I thought it was ridiculous. I'm going to ship Jacen's Martin out tomorrow.

Of course, Leia and I got into a huge argument over this. She feels that Luke just wants them to think like a Jedi and be prepared like one. I argue that Jacen didn't want to go in the first place, that we shouldn't have forced it upon him, that Luke pressured the whole idea. She felt Jaina and Jacen should go together. Jacen and Jaina might be twins but they're totally different people. Jaina I can see training. Jacen, no.

Leia and I did agree that they could start training at 15. They're both going to be 16 at the end of the month and yes, I was part of that agreement, but that was decided not based upon knowledge of our kids. Jacen's having a rough adolescence. I know he's not worried about his next meal, but he's struggling. He's not outgoing like Jaina and Anakin. He likes his animals and his music. He's got a few friends, but he's just not that social a guy.

I tell Leia I think we should bring Jacen home. She says he should give it a chance. We ended up shouting at each other to where Jarik and Anakin have hold themselves up in their bedroom.

Looks like I'm on the sofa tonight.

I turn my comm off. Luke and Mara are the last people, save for my wife, that I want to talk to tonight.

I'm going to check on our little guy, and then I'm going to attempt to drink myself into semi oblivion.

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(Leia)

I swear, my husband is the most stubborn man in a thousand galaxies.

Yes, I know, I'm Force sensitive and reluctant regarding it, but my three older kids are strong in it. I think they need to be disciplined regarding it. Han and I long ago agreed that we felt 15 was a reasonable age to start training.

Han wants Jacen to come home. I don't think that's the solution. Jacen needs this sort of training. It could help bring him out of his shell. He'll never be like Jaina or Anakin, and that's fine, but I worry about how reclusive he is, save for a few close friends. There was a girl he liked at school but I've heard nothing about her in a while. Jaina says they broke up but we've heard nothing from Jacen on it.

I think if he follows through with the training, he'll start feeling better, about himself and the world around him. Han wants to cut that short. Yes, Jacen needs help, but I think the discipline of Jedi training will help him to deal with his emotional issues.

Han can sleep on the sofa till he decides to be reasonable.

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(Anakin)

My mom and dad are fighting. It's about Jacen. He's in trouble. I just know he is. My dad wants him to come home, my mom wants him to stick it out, they don't talk to each other, they just yell at each other.

I think Jacen should come home but my mom isn't gonna listen to me. Neither is my dad, even though we both think that. I know he's sad, but he's gonna be in trouble real soon. I've seen it. I had dreams about it.

But my dad isn't Force sensitive and my mom doesn't want to do anything with hers. So why are they making Jacen stay there? It's retarded. Jacen just wants to be here with us.

No sense trying to talk to Mom or Dad on this one. I can try to talk to Jaina but I don't think she'll do anything except call Jacen a wimp, which she does all the time.

Jarik misses him a lot. Mom and Dad don't even see that. I've kinda been hanging out with him but I know Jacen's his favorite, and I've got so many friends I wanna do stuff with. My mom's at home right now, she's taking a year off, so she does stuff with him and his friends. But it's not the same.

And, I gotta take care of all Jacen's animals. I like animals a lot but they miss Jacen. I can feel it.

Something bad's gonna happen. I know it.

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(Jacen)

Lights out at 2200. Fuck, if I was home on Coruscant, I'd be up jamming in the rec area, or in the pool with my friends, or having fun teasing Jarik. Maybe I'd even meet a girl. That'd be nice. There's a girl I was hanging out with at day school but didn't last. Then again, I'm just 15.

I'm not dressed for bed; even though it's officially lights out, no one goes to sleep before midnight. I think they have the rules so our tutors can get drunk or do whatever it is they do. Okey, my roommate, is only twelve and so he's out like a light.

There's a knock at the door. I move as quietly as possible and stick my head out.

"Renfro. What's going on?"

"Feel like having a treat?"

I'm skeptical. I have no idea what he's talking about.

"Sure." I mean, there's nothing else going on. Why not?

"C'mon, and keep it quiet."

"What, you think I'm stupid or something?" I snarl at him. Then again, everyone thinks I'm stupid. Nothing new there.

"Just follow me and keep your mouth shut. It'll be worth it."

I'm thinking maybe I oughta back out. For one thing, Uncle Luke's gotta know we're up to this. I mean, doesn't he have the all-powerful Force to tell him everything? Doesn't he know exactly what everyone's doing at every minute?

"Don't you worry about getting caught?" I whisper.

"We've been at this for months now, haven't been caught once, and if you keep shooting off your mouth, we're gonna." He leads me down another hallway. There're low lights that make it so you can see. We grab Dersh and Shota and they follow along.

"Where're we going?" I ask.

"Shut up!" Renfro says and he's pissed.

Sorry, just making me kinda nervous.

He leads us to a chute opening. "Get into the laundry chute," Renfro orders me.

"But what if someone's down there?"

"They're not. They only work days. You coming or not?" Dersh says to me in a harsh whisper.

I close my eyes and I hurtle down the chute, which is kinda unnerving but I land in a big pile of towels. Shota comes next, Dersh, and then Renfro. The laundry room is totally dark, I have to give my eyes time to see.

The guys are pulling some packages out of their pockets. Renfro pulls out what looks like a glass tube with a bubble on the end. He puts some powder into the bubble and flicks a flint lighter till it's bubbling.

"What is that?" I ask.

"Something to get you through the night, and the day, too," Shota says. Each one takes a hit from the tube. Dersh hands it to me.

"Inhale it real slow, or you'll fucking choke, and I dunno about the other guys, but if you fuck it up, you're gone."

I debate for a moment. I take a small inhale.

"You can do a little more than that," Renfro says, not being an asshole at the moment.

I take a little bit longer hit this time.

Oh. My. Gods.

I feel fantastic.

"Don't get greedy, Solo, pass it around," Shota hisses at me.

"Sorry."

"Ah, give the newbie a break," Renfro says. "You feeling better yet?"

"Oh yeah."

The tube gets passed around a few more times. I take another hit. This is fucking incredible. I don't know if I've ever felt so good except for around my animals or playing music, and even they don't make me feel this good.

"What is this stuff?" I ask.

"Synth-stim," Renfro explains. "Like glitterstim, but cheaper, and you don't have to be in the dark to use it."

Whatever it is, I feel about a thousand pounds lighter.

I can do anything. I never realized it before. I'm like a whole new person. Whatever this stuff is, I want more of it.

We pass the tube one last time. I'm amazed.

"We do this every night," Renfro tells me. "And lunchtime."

"You can't come down here for lunch, the laundry crew's working."

"We have our own spot in the forest. We'll show it to you tomorrow. But you ever tell anyone about this, I'll fucking blow your brains out."

"No problem."

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(Jaina)

I'm sitting down at breakfast with Jag. I like a handsome guy with my pancakes. He looks way too happy for this hour of the morning.

"How's it going?" I ask him.

"Not bad, not bad at all. In fact, I was just notified that I was accepted into flight training school!"

My heart sinks. I'm supposed to be happy for him. It ain't happening.

"Jaya, how are you?"

What the fuck?

I'm pretty sure that's Jacen's voice, except that it sounds cheerful. And I know for a fact that Jacen doesn't do cheerful, especially not early in the morning.

"Seems like you got a little attitude adjustment," I say to him.

"Yeah, I'm gonna apply myself, do the best I can."

"Well, good. You're a real bore when you're moping around." I barely recognize him as my crabby twin, but I'll take it.

"Is this seat taken?" I look up. It's the new girl, Tenel Ka.

The dining room's arranged in tables that seat four. Sometimes people push 'em together.

"Sit down, Tenel Ka," I invite her. "Jacen, have your met Tenel Ka? She's starting training today."

"Hi! I'm Jacen."

"I'm Tenel Ka."

"Where are you from?" Jag asks Tenel Ka. He better not be looking her over.

"From Hapes, but my mother's Dathomiri."

"I hear your Queen Mother is a bitch," I say to her.

Tenel Ka shakes her head. "You have no idea. And the worst part is, she's my grandmother. I'm glad to be here. My parents are separated and Grandmother is a whack job." Jacen actually laughs. Jag is checking her out. He's trying not to but I know he is. He's working my last nerve.

Who could blame him? She's pretty. She's got red gold hair and grey eyes and creamy skin with freckles. I suddenly feel ugly.

I finish my pancakes and get up. "See you in class," I say.

Jacen doesn't even hear me, he's so busy talking to Tenel Ka.

Good. That way, maybe she'll like Jacen and leave Jag the fuck alone.

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	4. Chapter 4

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 4

(Jacen)

Wow, I was able to do the run this morning and I almost kept up with Jaina. I wonder if she suspects. I'm doing all I can to mind block her.

"See? You get a better attitude, you can do a lot more," she says to me.

"Yeah, I figured I'd try to make the best of it here." I feel funny lying to her, even if I'm mind blocking her, but what she doesn't know won't kill her. She's buying it. Maybe she'll stop being embarrassed.

I didn't do as well with gymnastics, but then again, I'm kind of a big guy and gymnastics seems to work out better for small people. Like my twin sister. But it's okay.

After that, it's studying The Old Republic. This bores the hell outta me. Yeah, my dad says history's important, or you keep repeating the same old same old, but I'm more of a science guy. I like biology and chemistry and all the stuff that goes with it. I like math and physics, too. History just annoys me. I don't really care about a bunch of dead guys (or women). I prefer life.

And then it slams into me. Like a million kilograms of rocks, it buries me and makes me feel as if I'm gonna die. I'm dizzy and I've got the shakes. What the fuck?

I look at the chrono. It's still an hour and a half till lunch. I hope Renfro's got some more synth-stim on hand. They said they hang out in the woods at lunch.

Only thing that's keeping me from crashing to the floor is Tenel Ka. She was so nice at breakfast, and she's beautiful. Physically well coordinated, too. She barely broke a sweat during the run. She's kind of tall but she's a good gymnast, too.

Maybe I'll split my lunch between the guys and trying to talk to Tenel Ka again. I'm sort of nervous around girls, but she was really sweet and friendly.

The class went on forever. I don't think I remember any of what was said, but it's finally over. Chow time.

The food's pretty decent. It's the only good thing about being here, except for Tenel Ka and the synth-stim.

I get in line, and Renfro waves to me. "Sit down with us," he says, like he's gonna be annoyed if I say no.

I started thinking that maybe I shouldn't hang out with them and do stim. I know my parents wouldn't be happy about the stim part. The guys, well, my dad was a mercenary space pirate. Not much he can say. Mom said he's exactly the kind of guy she was warned about. But she married him, and I know they're nuts about each other. Sometimes embarrassingly so.

I sit down with the guys but I scan the dining room for Tenel Ka. Finally I spot her sitting down with Jaina and two other girls. Must be ladies' night. Or day, actually. I think it's cool that she and Jaina seem like they're friends, it makes it easier to get to talk to her.

"Ready for a walk in the woods?" Renfro asks.

"Absofuckinglutely," Dersh says. We put our trays in the pass through window and head out. Most everyone's still eating. I didn't finish but I'm not very hungry.

We head into the woods. It's a really thick forest so it's easy to conceal yourself.

"And now, for the afternoon rush," Renfro announces as Dersh lights up the bubble tube. We pass it around.

I feel like a new person.

"This stuff is great," I say as I inhale.

"You know, the first two are on the house," Renfro explains. "But from now on, you gotta start paying for your share."

I stop dead in my tracks.

"I didn't bring my credits ticket with me. My uncle said not to."

"Well, if you can't pay, you can't play," Renfro says. "I'll let you off for tonight but tomorrow, free lunch is over."

It's stupid of me, but I never even thought about paying for it. Shoulda known better.

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It's too late to talk to Tenel Ka, and anyway, she's hanging with the girls. Maybe at dinner I'll eat with her. I'm gonna ask at least.

I'm not eating with the guys, though. Renfro pissed me off. He really is a dick. Dersh isn't much better. Shota's probably the least obnoxious but he won't challenge Renfro.

I'm just gonna have to get myself through this as best I can.

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(Han)

I get a comm from Luke. I was expecting this.

"I told you not to send anything!" Luke is being really pissy.

"It's his acoustic guitar. It helps him relax and focus."

"We spend a lot of time working on that skill, but not with something extra as a crutch."

"A guitar isn't a crutch. Listen, you may be the king of knowledge of the Force, but I've got three kids who are Force sensitive, and each one of them is very different in how they deal with it. It's why I didn't want them to start training early."

"But they're all strong in the Force. I disagree with your starting them so late, but I get that from a lot of parents."

"Fat lotta good it did your father." I don't have any problem with taking low blows.

"Don't bring Leia's and my father into it!"

"Leia considers her dad to be Bail Organa, not Darth Vader."

"She can't deny the biological connection. She has the potential to be a very powerful Jedi but she keeps refusing. You're way too negative about this, Han."

"I agreed they could be trained at 15, and now I'm wishing I hadn't. Jacen's not interested in being a Jedi knight. Maybe you should just send him home."

"What does Leia think about it?" Man, I thought he'd gotten past whining. Apparently not.

"Leia wants him to stick it out, thinks it'll be good for him."

"I agree. His attitude was much better today."

"And, by the way, your wife said if he does well for two weeks, he can have the guitar." Take that, you little Jedi punk.

"Mara should have discussed that with me beforehand."

"That's not my problem."

"Yeah, it is your problem, Han. You don't even realize the potential your kids have."

"The hell I don't. They've all got plenty of potential to live good lives doing what they love."

"I've always said that destiny sometimes chooses us."

"Not my kids." I hang up on him. We're running around in circles and it was a boring conversation anyway.

Of course, this will probably get back to Leia, meaning I'm most likely looking at another night on the sofa.

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(Leia)

I'm at the pool with Jarik and friends. I'm reading while he carouses with other kids from the complex. The only problem with Jarik is that if you stick him in water, you have to remove him, often by brute force.

My comm goes off.

It's Luke. Now what?

"Is there a problem?" I ask.

"Yes. I specifically told Han not to send Jacen a guitar and so he turns around and sends it."

"Luke, just because I'm on leave doesn't mean I have time to get involved in petty squabbling. You both have a point, but trying to pit Han and me against each other isn't going to help your cause."

"He was better today," Luke admits to me. "But I think he needs to concentrate on the training while he's here. You know what might help?"

"What?"

"If you were trained."

I can't believe this. "Luke, we've been over this, again and again. I do not feel comfortable training. I'm encouraging Jacen to stick it out because I think he can derive some benefit from it. He's mostly interested in the Living Force. If you want him to pay attention, talk about that to him."

"We do discuss it. And we do a lot of meditation and relaxation exercises to help with focus."

"Luke, I'm not getting into this with you OR Han. It's ridiculous. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a pool full of young kids that I need to keep from drowning or killing each other." I end the call. I'm not in the habit of hanging up on my brother, but right now, he's working my second last nerve. Han already worked my last one.

My comm goes off again. It's Han.

"I heard all about from Luke. I'm not going to argue with you about it, or him."

"You'd think I'd have committed a capital crime," Han comments.

"Han, I don't want to fight with you over this."

"I know. I'm just not sure that Jacen's in the right environment."

"I don't know for certain that he is or he's not. Luke said he did better today. Let's run with that."

"Can I sleep in our own bed tonight?"

"Sure." There's a loud shriek from the pool. "Excuse me, but I think one of Jarik's friends is bleeding."

It's one thing for Han and me to fight over things. It's quite another when my twin brother tries to play us off each other. When I'm feeling less aggravated, I'll talk to Luke when he can stop being so pissy.

The child bleeding appears to not have any life threatening injuries. I apply some synthskin and tell him to stay out of the water for ten minutes. This, of course, is sacrilege to a five year old. Ten minutes out of the water on a hot day? Surely you jest. I'm destroying this child's life to hear him wail about it.

And right now, that's about as much patience as I can muster.


	5. Chapter 5

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 5

(Jacen)

"That's the last you get for free, dude," Renfro says as I take one more hit. We're back in the laundry room.

"I'll pay you soon as I can get some credits."

"Not good enough."

"Cut him some slack, you dick," Shota says. "He doesn't have his credits ticket with him, or perhaps you didn't pay attention?"

"This stuff costs money. You wanna cover him?" Renfro is talking really fast and nasty.

"Sure. I got enough."

I turn to Shota. "Thanks."

"Pay me back this weekend."

"I will." Of course, without my credits ticket, I have to figure out the code for it, which is something only my parents know. They monitor us kids' accounts, since they're the ones making the deposits.

"My parents own the account. How much are we talking about?" I ask Renfro. "'Cause if I pull a lot of money, they're gonna ask me about it."

"You've sucked down 80 credits this week," Renfro says. "Depends on the market price, though. We're gonna head for the Centre City during free time over the weekend, we'll get your money and then we'll buy a stash."

80 credits?! I had no idea. This stuff is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy expensive.

The problem is, I really do feel so much better when I'm using it. I feel like I should. Like I'm powerful. Like I can do anything.

But unless I can get some credits, I'm gonna be out of the boys' club real fast.

I wonder if I can meditate my way to my parents' passcodes. I'll try that during class tomorrow.

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Once again, I wake up and I'm fine for the first couple hours but then it wears off. I keep wondering, is this worth it? I'm okay for a while but then the crash. Only staring at Tenel Ka keeps me sane. She has braids all over her hair today. I like them on her.

Maybe I'll not eat with the guys. I'm kind of annoyed at Renfro.

I decide to sit down with my sister. Tenel Ka and this girl Tahiri sit down with her and I grab the open chair.

I'm yawning and shaking.

"Are you all right?" It's a minute before I realize she's talking to me.

Of course, since I have no synth-stim, I'm feeling like the loser I am.

"Uh...okay...just tired from running this morning." Gods, I'm such a freak.

"Jacen's allergic to athletics," Jaina says. I want to deck her. I don't dare. She could probably beat the crap out of me with one hand tied behind her back. I have the size advantage but she's got the physical training.

Right now, I hate her. I don't care that she's my twin. Just because we are doesn't mean we're alike.

For one thing, she's mean. Well, she can be. Sometimes she's nice and we have fun, but that seems like a long time ago. She talks about us as a team but I'm not feeling it.

"Jaina says you have a lot of animals," Tenel Ka says to me.

"Yeah. I miss them a lot." I do. Marsune and Krag are the best comfort in the galaxy. "Especially my pittins."

"What are their names?"

"Of my pittins? Marsune and Krag." She bursts out laughing.

Gods, I can't even name my pets right.

"I think those are great names," she says to me.

"I told him if he called them Fluffy or Puffy, I'd have to kill him," Jaina tells her.

One thing about Tenel Ka: she smiles very little. She's like crazy serious, as opposed to me, who's just plain crazy. I wish I could make her laugh but at the moment I'm having a hard time making myself laugh. I think it sorta unnerves Jaina sometimes, because Jaina got all the sense of humor between the two of us. She's very funny, if you're not her target. My dad's that way, too. Mom and my brothers, too. I'm the only one who didn't get it.

I eat in silence, listening to the girls talk. Tenel Ka is polite and she asks me stuff but it's mostly about Jedi training stuff. I tell her I like science and I don't wanna be a Jedi knight. She seems sorta surprised, so does Tahiri. Jaina just rolls her eyes.

What's wrong with not wanting to fight? The Jedi are supposed to be peacekeepers but we learn mostly fighting stuff. I hate it. And right after lunch is lightsaber dueling. We're still building our lightsabers so we use wooden sticks.

"Uh..Tenel Ka?" I ask her.

She stares at me. She's not smiling, but she has really calm eyes. They're grey and they're like still pools of water.

"Yes?"

"Did you...will you be my dueling partner today?"

Jaina bursts out laughing like this is the funniest thing she's ever heard. But Tenel Ka's expression doesn't change.

"Yes. I would like that."

Despite having passed the point where I can meet up with the guys, I feel like I'm walking on air.

Maybe I don't need the synth-stim.

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Dueling's not my strong point. I was fine till we actually had to start fighting. I'm doing terribly. Tenel Ka's only been here a couple days and she's doing way better than I am.

Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara go from team to team, advising us, showing us how to do certain stances and where to aim. It looks easy but it's not. And I'm not that agile. But Tenel Ka just looks at me kindly.

"Not the best dueler, am I?" I ask.

"It's fine." She gives me a little smile.

Then we have to all go to the sides and watch each team demonstrate. I hate this.

Jaina's up with Tahiri, and they're like, I dunno, poetry? They just seem like it's so easy for them. They're having fun.

Why can't I get myself to have fun like them? Why'm I always the biggest drag? The only person who thinks I rock is Jarik and he's five.

Everybody has to write a critique of each team. Just a couple sentences, and nobody puts their name on it.

I just want this to be over. I've never felt so awful in my life. I'm gonna embarrass Tenel Ka. I know it.

Finally, we get called. I just hope I don't screw it up too bad for Tenel Ka.

Aunt Mara steps in to show us some better technique. I like Aunt Mara. She's like so much less annoying than Uncle Luke. Everything with Uncle Luke HAS to be this way or that way.

At the end of the duel, Tenel Ka smiles at me.

I smile back at her. It's the only thing that's gonna hold me till after lights out. Aunt Mara said we did fine, but of course we don't know what all the others are saying about us.

Renfro's up next. He glares at me. I don't think anyone else noticed, but I did. He's not in his happy place, that's for sure. He's up against Shota. Shota looks scared off his ass. Of the three, Shota's the nicest.

And he looks freakin' scared.

Renfro looks really, really angry. It's like he's got crazy eyes.

Probably smoked up my share of the stim.

Uncle Luke gives the signal and they start.

Renfro's a short, chunky guy, and he's not graceful but he is getting really mean with that stick. Shota's trying to keep him off, but Renfro's getting madder and madder.

"Whoa, Renfro!" Mara said, trying to get between the two young men.

"Get outta my way!" Renfro shouted at her.

Mara brought up her lightsaber. "Stop now, or I'll use it." Her voice was low and menacing.

"Go ahead, bitch!" Renfro shouted...

As he jabbed the end of his stick into Shota's throat.

Luke jumped in and started to pull Renfro off the fallen Shota while Mara tended to Shota.

"Stay back!" Luke ordered. "Everyone in the meditation room, now!"

"Yeah, like we're really gonna be able to meditate," I grumble to Tenel Ka.

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Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara appeared after a medic was called and both Shota and Renfro were removed. There'd been wild speculation regarding the incident in the meditation room, as opposed to meditation.

"Quiet down," Luke instructed, not shouting, gesturing to everyone to lower their voices. "Quiet down."

I can quiet down. One of the few things I do well. Mostly 'cause I have nothing to say.

"Shota is probably going to be okay. We don't know the full extent of his injuries, but the medics say he should make it. Renfro has been banished from the temple and all other Jedi temples in the galaxy. At this point, this is all I can tell you."

"Where's Master Mara?" one of the girls asked.

"Mara is dealing with the NRSF at the moment and has notified Renfro's parents. He is being taken by the medics as well. Mara will talk with the younglings. What we should do right now is take a few deep cleansing breaths and concentrate on our breathing."

I hadn't even noticed how much I was shaking. I suck in a few breaths, trying desperately to calm down.

Tenel Ka doesn't smile at me, but she mouths, are you okay?

I nod yes, but I'm sure she knows I'm lying.

We lie down on the mats. They're not the most comfortable but they're not bad. Uncle Luke leads us through a meditation.

It seems like a long time when someone's shaking me awake. It's Tenel Ka.

"Jacen, you fell asleep," she says.

Uncle Luke comes over to me. "Jacen? It's meditation, not nap time." He's trying to smile but it's fake.

"I haven't slept too good since I got here."

"There are ways to work through exhaustion. You'll learn those."

Yeah, sure I will.

I've gotta get some stim. Somehow. Or I'm not gonna make it through the next two and a half months.


	6. Chapter 6

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I COULD FIND IT

Chapter 6

It's been a week since Renfro got kicked out.

I don't mind. The guy was a jerk. Only reason I hung with him was for the stim.

Shota's not coming back, either. He wasn't that strong in the Force and his mom and dad are pretty pissed off that he got hurt. Too bad. He actually seemed like a nice guy.

Uncle Luke decided to make Renfro an object lesson of what happens when you choose the Dark Side.

That's so bullshit. It was the drugs that did it to him. I mean, he was probably an asshole before, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't into hurting or killing anyone.

So we've been hearing all about the Dark Side and how once you turn, you can never go back. That's crap. Aunt Mara told me she was on the Dark Side for a while, but got to where she couldn't live with herself so she decided to be in the light. And she says that it's not as clear as Uncle Luke makes it.

Wonder how many fights they have over that. I wonder if my mom and dad are fighting. I'm sure that Dad didn't tell Mom about the guitar until after he sent it. When stuff like that happens, you know they're fighting because Dad's sleeping on the sofa.

Jaina's doing real good here. She's popular and smart and she catches on fast. Just like at our day school.

Me, I'm dragging my ass. I try to build up enthusiasm, but especially after the Dark Side lectures seeping into everything, I'm over it. I don't like it here. I'm gonna call my dad and see if I can come home. Mom'll tell me to stick it out. Dad, maybe he'll go with it, but if it means royally pissing off Mom, well, he figures he does that enough. They don't fight a lot but when they do, you just know, even if you don't hear 'em yelling, and they do that sometimes, too.

Dersh and me have been hanging out. Dersh is kind of like me. He doesn't want to be a Jedi knight. He wants to be an architect. He's got some cool ideas for buildings, showed me some of his drawings. He hates it here and he's dragging, too. And he's not all that great at physical training, he might even be worse than me. Not that I'd tell him that. We just hang at the back and don't bother anyone.

"Only way I'm gonna make it through here is if we get some stim," Dersh tells me before we start a meditation section.

"You know where to get it?"

"I went with Renfro once, only because it was my money. I sorta remember where it is."

"Think we can get there?"

He shakes his head. "We can try. Going to the laundry room's oen thing. Getting out of the building's another."

"They don't lock the building."

"No, but it's pretty likely someone's gonna see us."

"What if we leave like after midnight?"

He's thinking about it. "Guess most people are out by then."

Just then Tenel Ka is walking my way.

"Catch you later, dude."

I catch up to her. Suddenly I feel very stupid. I don't know what to say.

"Hi," she says, giving me one of her rare smiles. She's so intense about everything. But she's nice. I wonder if she feels sorry for me. "You and Dersh look like you were involved in some heavy conversation."

"Not really."

"I noticed you were having trouble with your dueling today. Want me to help you?"

"Uh...sure. During free time tonight?"

"Yeah."

I smile at her. I feel like a complete idiot. "Thanks."

"I was going to study the Old Republic Jedi Masters for a while. Maybe we could study together."

Oh boy. I have not paid attention in that class at all.

"Uh...sure."

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Tenel Ka and I study for a while. I think she was kinda put off because I didn't really know anything. It's not like she said anything, but she wasn't smiling. I think she expects me to take my studies more seriously. I know I should, but I don't have the energy. I'm so tired I feel as if I couldn't grab a rope to save my life. What's bizarre is that I can't sleep very well. I wake up a lot and my dreams are terrible. So sleeping's not a break.

"Are you all right?"

I must've been off daydreaming, 'cause when she says it, it's like I just came out of a trance or something.

"Yeah. Just tired. Can't sleep."

"You should try some of the meditations we practice."

Please, if anyone else says to me one more time, 'A Jedi's energy floooooooooooooows from the Force,' I swear I'll take a hostage.

I know she's trying to be helpful. I'm kinda wondering why someone as pretty as she is is hanging around with a loser like me. Maybe Jaina put her to it.

That's another thing. When we're at home, Jaina and me laugh and goof off and sometimes have real conversations. She's totally different here. It's like she's trying to be the Best Jedi Ever in the history of ever.

"I don't really think it's all about the lightsaber," she says. "I consider the physical training component to be the most important aspect. A lightsaber is useless unless you can use it to the best of your ability."

"I'm not doing too well in either." To say the least.

"You like quiet pursuits. You like animals and music, don't you?"

I shouldn't be surprised. She's Force sensitive, after all.

"I like both of them. I like caring for animals. They talk to me. I know if they're sick or scared or happy. I wanna be a veterinarian, not a Jedi Knight. I play music with my dad sometimes. I asked him to send me my guitar."

"Is that the instrument in Master Luke's office? It looks kinda like a Zeltron lute."

"WHAT?!"

"Where're you going?" Tenel Ka calls after me.

"That's MY guitar!"

I bolt out, and I'm not happy.

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Uncle Luke's office is open. I knock politely. My mom says always knock even if the door's open.

"Jacen, hi," he says to me. He's not using his do it my way or else voice.

"I think you have something of mine." I point to the guitar.

"I told your dad not to send it."

"I asked him to."

"I know you did. But you're supposed to concentrate on your training."

"I like playing. It helps me focus."

He shakes his head. "You're going to have to focus a lot of times when your guitar's not around. I think you'd do better if you'd focus on the training, and you haven't been doing that. I was a little encouraged last week, but right now, you seem totally unhappy, and that can lead to the Dark Side."

"Can I have my guitar, please?"

"No. Mara said two weeks of solid performance, and the guitar is yours. Some days you're right on target. Other days, well, you're just somewhere else. You're very Force sensitive. It's strong in my family. You need to learn to use it for the time you become a Jedi knight."

"I don't wanna be a Jedi knight."

"You can't be serious."

"Not everyone who's got the Force wants to be a Jedi!"

"You don't choose the Force. It chooses you. And you have to answer to that."

"I wanna be a veterinarian, not a Jedi knight."

Uncle Luke is so not getting this. "I don't understand."

"No, of course you don't. If you did, you'd let me have my guitar."

"I'm not telling you to deny your other talents, but very few people have what you have. You have an obligation to fulfill it. It is your destiny."

"Then I'd rather be dead."

"You don't mean that."

"Yeah, actually, I do."

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(Mara)

"I'm not tired!" Ben protests. "I don't wanna go bed!"

"You have to go to bed, honey. Your parents are tired." Training new Jedi is harder than it looks. I've got the preschoolers and early basic levels. They're fun but exhausting.

"You can say that again," Luke tells me as he leans back into the sofa. "Have you talked to Jacen recently?"

"Not since the incident with Renfro. Is he all right?"

"He said he'd rather die than be a Jedi knight."

I don't like where this is going.

"Maybe he shouldn't become a Jedi knight."

"Did we get to choose to have the Force?"

"No, Luke, we didn't. But maybe being a Jedi knight isn't the best thing for Jacen."

"But he's been called to it. Like you and I have."

"I know, sweetheart, I know. But Jacen's pretty depressed. Maybe you should let him go home."

"He was doing so well for a while."

"Let me put Mr. Energy to bed. Then we'll eat something and talk."

I really think Jacen should go home. And I think we should talk to Leia and Han about it. Someone who says he'd rather die than be a Jedi is someone who's not doing well. I agree that training could help him, but it's entirely possible that this isn't the time.

When I was younger, I dabbled in the Dark Side. It wasn't a positive experience, but it was experience. And the dogma that it's impossible to have some Dark Side and Light Side in one person is absolutely false. Life's done in shades of grey.

Maybe, just maybe, not everyone with the Force should be a Jedi knight.

Now I just have to convince my husband of this.


	7. Chapter 7

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I COULD FIND IT

Chapter 7

(Jacen)

Tenel Ka helps me some with my dueling, and she can actually describe it so it makes sense.

"You don't want to have a defensive posture as much as possible. But you don't want to be overly aggressive. Like this." She shows me what she means. "Now, you try it."

I try.

"See, you're getting it."

I know I'm not. "You're just being nice."

"No, I'm not. When it comes to training, I don't lie."

She's serious.

She looks at me, those calm grey eyes staring at me.

"You don't know what it's like," I say to her.

"Like what?"

"Being me."

"So tell me."

"You don't wanna know."

"No, I do."

Well, she's not a joker.

"Okay. You know who my parents are, don't you?"

"Yeah. Minister Leia Organa Solo and Han Solo." She doesn't seem impressed. That's good.

"And you know who my grandfather is on my mom's side."

"Anakin Skywalker. Darth Vader."

"You know what it's like to not fit in your own family?"

"Believe it or not, yes, I do. Because I don't fit in mine, either."

"How not?"

"Do you know who my parents and grandmother are?"

"Should I?"

"Well, since you don't, my grandmother is the Queen Mother. As in the head of the government of the whole planet. My mom and dad are separated or Mom would be the next Queen Mother. Since she's not gonna be, guess who's next in line?"

"You're a princess?"

"Yeah. Your mom's a princess, too. It's not that big a deal."

"She's not even really a princess anymore. Only one who ever calls her that is my dad."

"There is no way I'm ever going to be the Queen Mother. It's a disgrace. They're amoral and bloodthirsty and I don't want any part of it."

"Yeah, well, everyone in my family has it going on, except for me. I'm not a pilot. I'm not interested in politics. I don't wanna be a Jedi. I don't like being around lots of people. And I'm tired of my uncle saying I'm headed for the Dark Side."

"No way. You're a good person, Jacen." She looks serious, too.

"I dunno. I don't feel like a good person."

"I can feel good in you."

"Yeah, well, better check your Force sense."

She looks offended. "There's nothing wrong with my Force sense. And I don't lean on it for every little thing."

"I didn't mean - sorry, I'm the son of the King and Queen of Sarcasm. It's how we roll at the House of Solo."

"I have a lousy sense of humor."

"You can develop it."

"I don't know how."

"Spend a weekend with my family. If you don't get a sense of humor fast, you'll scream."

"Not much sanity in my family, either."

"Sanity? We have none. But I seem to be the only one who can't deal with it."

"Yeah. My grandmother's horrible. My mom's a flake, my dad's an idiot."

"I have good parents. What's wrong with me?"

Tenel Ka shakes her head. "I think you'll find a way to deal with this."

"I'd better. And soon."

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Dersh and me are chatting. It's about half an hour to lights out.

"I'm trying, my man, but it's not working for me," Dersh said. "I've gotta get some stim. I don't have enough credits, though."

"Join the club." I'm so washed out. I feel like a limp rag that's useless.

"You got any credits?"

"I do, but I don't have my ticket to access 'em. Uncle Luke said -"

"Yeah, yeah, I know what Uncle Luke said." Dersh sighs. He's a nice guy, really, but he hates this Jedi stuff as much as I do.

"How long you been doing stim?"

"Just since I got here. Renfro asked me if I wanted something to help me feel better, and I went for it." He pushes his head against the wall. "Kinda wish I hadn't started, 'cause I feel so awful all the time now that we can't get it. But I can't handle the training. I hate it."

"Your parents Force sensitives?"

"Yeah, they're Jedi knights now. So's my older brother. Me, I'm kinda like the family loser."

"Welcome to my life. Whaddya wanna do with your life?"

"You mean, like when I get older?"

"Yeah."

"I dunno. Haven't totally figured that out yet. But I know it's not a Jedi knight."

"I wanna work with animals. Sometimes I like 'em better than people."

"Yeah, I hear that. People suck sometimes."

"Yep."

"Tenel Ka seems to really like you."

"Used your Force sense for that?" I kid him.

"Not even. It's pretty obvious you like her, too."

"I do. I dunno why she'd like me, though."

"Maybe she knows you're a decent guy."

"That'd be more than I know."

There's a knock on Dersh's door. It's probably just someone wondering what kind of joy's going on in here. He doesn't have a new roommate yet, Renfro was his before.

Dersh opens the door, and it's Aunt Mara.

"Hi guys," she says, smiling at us. "Jacen, I was wondering if we could talk for a few minutes."

"Sure." I don't mind Aunt Mara. She's pretty cool.

I mouth that I'll be back after we're done.

Aunt Mara leads me to her office downstairs. It's a nice place. Lots of pictures of baby Ben on the walls, pictures of Uncle Luke, her lightsaber, her wedding pictures.

"You seem so sad, Jacen. I know you don't want to go through the training and believe me, if you go through it and decide it's not something you want to take advantage of, no one will ever stop you. Okay, Uncle Luke might nag you a bit, but it is still your life."

"Why'd you want to talk to me?"

"You told Uncle Luke you'd rather be dead than a Jedi knight."

"Yeah, I know."

"Do you really feel like dying?" Aunt Mara's trying to keep her voice gentle.

"No, I was just pissed off. Sorry."

"Because if you do feel that way, I need to know. The Force can help you with your feelings, or it can be turned against you, and sometimes the lines aren't so clear."

I just nod. I'm a Solo, after all. What, show emotion? My dad would probably die of embarrassment. He's tough and cool and I'm...not.

"But in addition to the Force, there is medical support for you. Jacen, if you're feeling the way you said you were, I need to know that."

"I'll tell you. I promise." That was a lie.

"Think you can handle tomorrow?"

I'm pretty sure I can't. "Yeah, I'll be fine."

"Get some sleep, sweet one." She wraps her arms around me. "And don't worry about Uncle Luke. He can be rigid, but he's not unreasonable. Even if being a Jedi knight isn't in your future, the training will help you."

"Night, Aunt Mara."

I notice she didn't say anything about my guitar.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Jaina)

"I'm really worried about Jacen," Tenel Ka says to me. It's past lights out, but we're never asleep at that time. "He's so sad."

"So what else is new?" My twin being sad isn't exactly an uncommon thing.

"He's really hurting. I feel it."

"I've taken to mind blocking him. I know he's my twin, but I can't deal with him getting into my head."

I know, I'm a bitch.

I love my twin more than nearly anyone in the world, and I feel like he's rejected me. I was hoping we'd make a great team here at Praxium, but he's so depressed and miserable. He was starting to try more and do better but he's back where he was.

Fact is, I don't know what to do. The Force never gives you all the answers.

"I wish I knew how to help him," Tenel Ka says, echoing my thoughts.

"You like him, don't you?"

"Well, yes. He's very nice."

Yeah, I'm not gonna get into that any further. That's between them. It'd be nice if she can inspire him.

"He's a good guy, but he's always been, I dunno, sensitive."

"That's not such a bad thing, you know."

Yeah, I know. But right now, he's a mess, and I have no idea what to do.

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(Anakin)

"Mom, something's wrong with Jacen. Bad wrong." I keep feeling my older brother, and it's not good. I'm talking with my mom.

"Sweetie, he'll be all right. I know he hates the training, but I think it will help him."

"It's not, Mom. Please, get him home."

"I think some of it may be that he can't properly control the force, and when it comes to that, I don't think anyone's better equipped to deal with that than Uncle Luke and Aunt Mara."

"Aunt Mara, maybe. Uncle Luke, no. He keeps saying that Jacen's headed for the Dark Side."

"Jacen told you he's said this?"

"No, but I know Uncle Luke."

"Yes, sweet one, so do I. But don't worry. I'll have a chat with your uncle tomorrow."

I'm worried. A lot.

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(Jacen)

I'm so tired. Okey's asleep. I wish I could.

The door opens a little bit.

"Solo? You awake?"

"Always. Whassup?"

"I got my older brother to loan me some credits."

"How'd you do that?"

"I asked."

"Your family's not suspicious?"

"Nah, I ask for credits all the time. Well, not all the time. But usually m bro's good about it."

"So what now?"

"Feel like heading into town?"

"You know where we're going?"

"Think so. C'mon, let's go."

I hope I don't regret this.


	8. Chapter 8

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 8

(Jacen)

I slog through fourth week. We get to go home once a month, and nobody's happier about it than me. I'm inviting Dersh as well; Mom and Dad seem to like meeting our friends, and Dersh's folks were 'busy.'

Getting on the transport to Coruscant, I felt myself relax for the first time in a month. I fell asleep for most of the trip; so did Dersh, and Jaina had to wake us up.

Dad's waiting for us at the docking bay. I'm so glad to see him. I know he thinks I'm a loser, but he seems okay to see me and he's nice to Dersh. I just hope Dersh can handle infinite sarcasm. It's just part of the free services offered by the House of Solo.

Jaina does all the talking on the way home in the speeder, and that's fine. She's really excited about everything. I notice she doesn't really talk about Jag. She saves that stuff for Mom.

"Welcome back," Dad says. "I know the real reason you come home is to do your laundry, but we'll let you stay, anyway."

Dersh actually laughs and relaxes a bit; I warned him about my family, especially my parents. I don't think I've ever seen Dersh laugh before. It's not like nobody laughs at Praxium; apparently most people do. But they're usually around Jaina, not me and Dersh.

I wish Tenel Ka could have come, but she had to visit her mom on Dathomir. Her folks are separated and while she doesn't like her mom that much, she's better than Dad and Grandma.

Anakin and Jarik are there to see us. Jarik's five and he acts like he's missed me for a hundred years. Anakin's his usual friendly self and gets talking to Dersh. There are no strangers in Anakin's life, just friends he hasn't met yet.

Mom's made dinner (yes, she can cook now). The food at Praxium isn't bad, but having stuffed redfish with graincakes and green salad makes the Praxium look low rent. Anakin's not a big fan of fish, so he makes his own pasta bowl.

"You'd better marry someone who hates cooking, or likes only what you do," Dad says to him.

"Hey, Mom didn't cook like forever," he says.

"I'll be sure to poison your pasta next time," she tells Anakin. Everyone laughs; Anakin's pickiness is like an inside joke at our house.

"Your mom's a fine cook. Try some fish," Dad urges him.

Anakin makes this face. "Fish is disgusting."

"That's what you say about most everything," Jaina scoffs at him.

"I'll find a way to cook in my room."

"No outlets for power. Just solar driven lighting," I warn Anakin.

"Maybe I won't go, then."

"I want you to come home to stay," Jarik says to me, tugging on my sleeve.

"Yeah, I'd like that, too," I tell him.

"You haven't even given it a chance," Jaina says to me, mocking me. "And you," she points to Dersh, "You don't seem to be knocking yourself out."

"Jaina, ENOUGH." My mom steps in. Thanks, Mom. Maybe Jaina should take diplomacy lessons from Mom.

"I was HOPING you and I could be a team," Jaina comes back with.

"Jaina Leia Solo! Your mother said ENOUGH!" This time it's from Dad.

She shuts up and sulks. Sometimes, even Dad has enough of her, and that's saying something.

"My parents and my brother are Jedi knights," Dersh says. "They like it, but I don't think it's for me. My parents want me to do it, but my brother's cool with me. He says just having the Force doesn't mean you have to be a Jedi knight."

"I like it when we talk about the Living Force." It's my favorite part. "They talk about the Unifying Force, too, but I think I'm more of a Living Force kinda guy."

"It's a good discussion," Dersh agrees. "I like the history like in the Old Republic."

"I think it's boring," Jaina says. "I like fencing and dueling the most."

"Tenel Ka likes that, too," I say. It just slipped out. I'm turning red and hot. I wasn't gonna say anything about her.

"I think Jacen's in love," Anakin says, chuckling.

"I am not. Shut up." Okay, maybe I am, maybe I'm not. I don't even know what being in love feels like. I mean, I like her a lot. A real lot. But love?

"Does that mean you got a girlfriend?" Jarik asks me.

I give him noogies. "Mom, Dad, make him stop!" he screams.

"Sorry, Jarik, deal with it," Dad says. laughing.

"Mom!" We're all laughing now. Don't let Jarik fool you. He loves the attention.

"Jacen, can you take me and my friends swimming?" Jarik asks me. That kid could live in the water. Maybe he was a Calamari in a previous life, if such a thing exists.

"Sure, we can go to the pool."

"Not till you finish dinner," Mom says to him.

"This is really good," Jaina tells Mom. "I never thought you'd be such a great cook."

"All right, Jaina, what do you want?" My mom teases her.

"Who says I want anything?" She looks all Miss Innocent.

"That'd be a first," I mutter.

"Jacen, enough from you, too!" Dad shakes his head. He looks up at Mom. "Sweetheart, where did we go wrong?"

"If I have to tell you..." My mom says, and we all burst out laughing again.

It's nice to feel like I sorta belong somewhere. It's been awhile.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Jaina)

I can hardly wait for everyone to go to bed. Jag was on the transport but we sat away from my brother. Not that it would have mattered; Jacen slept the whole way. He and I are gonna meet at Scooby's. Scooby's has cheap drinks and great music, and nobody asks you for ID there. Besides, Jag is seventeen, so he's old enough to drink, and he can get them for me.

My dad is such a spazz about boys. I just turned fifteen. What, does he expect, that I'll stay a virgin? Don't think so, Daddy. Sorry.

My brothers and Dersh are all headed for the pool. I'd join them but I have a date later on, and I hope that Daddy crashes out early. Mom'd be okay with it, I think. Well, okay, she'd wonder why were going out so late but here on Coruscant, that's how we roll. Other Praxium students think it's weird that we start our nights out when they're just finishing theirs. What can I say. We live in a big city and we grow up fast here.

Don't know what Jacen and Dersh are gonna do, probably just hang out with his zoo and entertain Jarik.

I kind of wish this date was tomorrow night, not because I don't want to see Jag - I'm dying to see him. But Mom and Daddy have an official function tomorrow night which means that I'd have an easier escape. Hey, maybe Jag'll ask me out again. I hope I hope I hope.

01123581321345589144233377610987

Me and Dersh hang out in the pool for a while with Jarik and Anakin. It takes all three of us to get Jarik out of the water. That kid's gonna grow gills, I swear.

Jarik keeps telling Mom and Dad that he isn't tired, except that once we stuff him in bed, he's out like a light.

Anakin's on the comm with some of his buds. He's got a million friens everywhere he goes. At about 2130, he tells Mom and Dad that he's off to play sabacc with his friends from the building.

"Win big. You don't want to taint the name of Solo," Dad warns him.

"Taint the Solo name?" Mom bursts out lauhging. "Honey, that ship went to lightspeed a long, long time ago."

"And no cheating!" Dad yells at him.

"Oh, as if you never cheated at cards," my mom says, but she's laughing. Dad's lying down on the sofa and my mom's get his head in her lap.

"Only once! Seriously!" he tells my mom. "And only because I was flat broke and couldn't get work. Shalimar nearly killed me." We've heard the Shalimar story from Uncle Lando. It's really pretty funny.

Once Anakin's gone, Dersh and me go to Anakin's room. Jarik sleeps in mine.

"I got no idea what we're gonna do," Dersh says.

I think. For some reason my brain keeps wandering back to my dad's funny stories. He's got a lot of them. Mom says some of 'em are even true.

"Nici. I think the guy's name is Nici the Specialist!"

"You serious?"

"My dad's known him for like forever. He lives down in the lower levels here on Coruscant. Well, he did, last time my dad talked to him."

"You think he's got stim?"

"I dunno, but maybe he knows someone who does."

"What about money?"

"I can tell my mom or dad that there's this girl I like and her birthday's coming up and I wanna get her something nice."

"You've got it bad for Tenel Ka."

"Shut up and find your own hot girl. They'll put the money in my account; they've got all the passcodes so I just wait for 'em to do it and we're clear."

"Sounds like a plan. When do we leave?"

"After Mom and Dad go to bed. Jarik's out like a light, he won't say anything, Anakin's off playing sabacc, I have no idea what Jaina's doing."

"What if Jaina sees us?"

"I'll tell her that I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad that she's not a virgin anymore."

"Is she?"

"Is she what?"

"Jaina? Is she still a virgin?"

"Think so. I don't really care. Not my problem."

"Who's the guy she likes?"

"Jag Fel."

"Is he like okay?"

"Think so."

"All right, so whaddya wanna do before we head out?"

"You like playing cards?"

"I don't know how."

"Let my dad show you. Did you know he won the _Millennium Falcon _in a sabacc game?"

"You serious?"

"Yep. Won it from my Uncle Lando, who's not really my uncle but he's sorta like family. He's kinda oily, though."

"Think he knows somebody?"

"Probably. But he'd totally rat me out to my parents."

"Scratch him off the list. What about Chewie?"

"Same problem. I think we gotta find this guy Nici."

"We're gonna play cards. He tells a lot of his stories when we play cards."

"What if he's not in the mood?"

"Dad is _always_ in the mood for sabacc."


	9. Chapter 9

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 9

Mom and Dad finally go to bed. We were going to try and see if Nici's address was in one of Dad's datapads but it's password protected in a lot of places. He's so untrusting that way.

We're ready to make our escape when Jaina comes following us. 

"What're you guys doing?" She stage whispers.

"Going to see a friend," I tell her. "What about you?" She's got her party clothes on.

"Going to see a friend."

Yeah, I bet that friend is Jag Fel. But we aren't up to anything better, and at least this way, she won't rat us out.

So we head on out, hoping we didn't wake the parents, and moved on. Anakin's the last possible threat, but apparently he's still playing sabacc.

"I'm coming back by 0400," she tells us once we get on the monorail.

"We should be back by then, too." I'm actually hoping this doesn't take that long.

We wait for Jaina to move before we get on the lifts. We're taking it down to the lowest level, which is where lots of illegal stuff goes on. I didn't think there'd be that many people at this hour, but hey, maybe they love the nightlife and they want to boogie. Or get new retinal patterns. Or pay for sex. Or buy illegal substances.

What really surprises me is how many people look real normal. In fact, I see two guys who know my mom 'cause they work at the State Ministry. I try to keep a low profile; the last thing I need is this getting back to my mom.

What we're looking for is someone who looks like they need a fix. There's a couple. We decide we'll follow them. We can always ask where Nici is.

The lifts are fast enough to make your stomach drop at first, and it only takes like half an hour to get into the lowest levels of the city. We step out into it.

My dad describes the lower levels as the slimy underbelly of the city. I think that's accurate. We see sentients of all kinds dancing in the windows of a lot of places; I think that's where they sell themselves. It's hot and wet and steamy here. There're lots of foodshops and you can smell a mix of good and gross. I'm kinda creeped out but if anyone's selling stim, it's guys down here. We're sorta kinda following these two stoned out looking guys, but they get lost in the crowd.

"Let's get some ice dots and seltzer," Dersh suggests. "Maybe they know about Nici."

We stop at an ice dots kiosk, and it's crazy crowded even though it's midnight.

"Do you know where we could find Nici the Specialist?" I ask the counter clerk as he serves up our orders.

The clerk laughs. "You're a few years too late, dude. Nici's been dead for five years."

"Oh. Well, he's a friend of my dad's."

"I think his son took over the business. Not sure if he's following in the same line of work, but you can check him out."

"Where's he at?" Dersh asks.

The clerk stares at us. "You don't live around here, do you?"

"You can tell, can't you?" Apparently we're obvous.

"Of course I can. Everyone down this way knows about Roli." He laughs.

"Oh. Well, can you help us?"

"You sure you're dad knows this guy?" I'm getting uncomfortable.

"Yeah, he knows lots of sleazy characters," I say.

The clerk tosses his head back and laughs. "You wanna head for a taverna called the Glow Spider."

"Where's it at?"

"Level 132, megablock 17, block 5, subblock 12."

"How far are we?" Dersh asks.

"Take the Promontory S lift and transfer to the light rail B line and get off at subblock 15. Place is a dive and has a sign with the ugliest damn spider anyone ever came up with. Walk 3 blocks due east." He shakes his head as he waits on six more customers - when you've got eight tentacles you can move a line. "And if anyone asks, leave my name outta it."

"Thanks."

We walk about four blocks and find the Promontory S lift. They have express ones and local ones, the local's gonna take longer but makes more stops.

It's so thick with sentients down here and it smells weird and not good. Why's everyone up so late? I mean, I know why we're up late but I'm sure not everyone's going to Roli's. But everywhere we pass, foodshops are full, merchandise like I don't even know what they call it, but people are buying it. Maybe they sleep all day and come out at night.

We even see some kids that look a lot like us, kids who sneaked out of their parents' homes and looking for a thrill. So at least we don't stand out too badly.

Everything's damp and hot. Steam rises off the surfaces. There's a billion cantinas and tavernas and they're packed, too.

"You think this guy will remember your dad?" Dersh asks nervously.

"I'm sure he met him sometime." Or not.

I'm starting to wonder if this was such a great idea.

01123581321345589144233377610987

We finally get off at subblock 15. I'm trying to get my bearings. Something my dad and Jaina can do is automatically orient themselves and Anakin's not bad at it, either. I, of course, totally suck at it.

If where we were before was looking kinda low rent, it's palatial next to what's down here. It's even more crowded and smells even worse.

We walk about and find out we went the wrong direction. No, Dad, it's a good thing I don't want to be a pilot.

Finally, we see the sign. The 'G' in glow is burnt out, so it reads 'Low Spider.' That's fitting, probably. We go inside. There's all kinds of sentients there and a crabby ass looking bartender.

"We're looking for Roli," I say to the bartender.

"You're underaged. Get out."

"Roli's dad used to be friends with my dad," I explain.

"Oh, really? Who's your dad?" The bartender glares at me.

"Han Solo."

He's gonna try to contact my dad, I just know it.

Instead, he has this sickly grin all over his face. "I remember him. Best freighter pilot in the galaxy. Still is. He's kind of a legend in these parts."

"Can we see Roli?" I ask.

He scowls at us again. "Roli doesn't do kids. I know what you're looking for and it ain't here."

"Whaddya think we want?" I demand.

"You're looking for stim. It's why all the rich little boys and girls come down to these levels."

"So where can we get it?" Dersh asks.

He shakes his head. "Go by the Cranasser Bridge. That's where the kids hang out. And you didn't hear it from me."

"What's going on here?" Another guy comes out. He's super skinny, blue skinned, and doesn't have a nose.

"This kid claims your dad knew his dad. Han Solo. But I said you don't do kids."

"No, I don't. Listen, boys, I know why you're down here, and I suggest you get back up to the Upper City as quickly as possible. This is no place for you to be."

We leave. Now we gotta find the Cranasser Bridge.

We get lost a few more times but we ask some stoner dude who's like our age where to go. He tells us where the bridge is and asks if we're looking for stim. He gives us an address and tells us that he'll deny ever giving it to us. He's got a vibro blade and even though he's totally out of it, if he gets mad he'll use it on us.

We decide to play follow the crowd, and a few are climbing up the stairs to this old storefront that looks like it's gonna crumble if we get on the stairs. We wait till the last person goes inside and a few come out.

I've got a real bad feeling about this, but if I'm gonna make it through the next two months, I'm gonna need some serious help.

Finally, we step inside. I'm not sure, but I think that's a Huralok. All I know of Huraloks is that they're nasty.

"How much?" The Huralok demands, almost hissing at us.

"Uh...how much we got?" I say to Dersh.

"Three hundred."

The Huralok looks as if it's going to start laughing, but I don't think their species laughs.

He brings up one bag containing two balls of stim. I was hoping we'd get more, so we're gonna have to use it sparingly.

"That's it?" Dersh says.

The Huralok snarls at him, spitting as he does it. "Take it or leave it."

"Okay, we'll take it," I say in a hurry. I wanna get away from this creature ASAP.

He hands the bag over. We don't have to be told to leave.

"Should we do some here and then head back?" Dersh asks.

"Maybe a little." We don't go under the bridge with the rest of the kids; we find a dark spot not far from where the Huralok sold us the stuff.

Dersh brought our smoking tube and some flints. We pass it back and forth until we've almost exhausted it when we hear sirens and hear from loud speaker horns.

"Oh fuck!" I hiss. "Dersh, c'mon, we gotta get outta here!"

We run fast as we can - which means not very - away from the bridge and into a dark street. We hide ourselves as best we can. Of course, we're like totally turned around now. The sirens still blare and if we're caught with the stuff, which is now in my day pack, we're totally screwed.

We have no idea how much time passed before things got quiet again, could have been five minutes or five hours, but we came within a few breaths of having our butts in a sling. The good thing is that with stim, you can run a lot faster. We find a lift and get on it, figuring we'll get east west rails on a higher level.

And we need to get back soon. Like, before Jaina gets there.


	10. Chapter 10

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE IF I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 10

If Jaina beat us home, she's in bed, so it's just Dersh and me on the balcony. We made it back to Mom and Dad's at 0334, and managed not to wake up anyone.

We need another hit, anyway. Didn't really have time to finish off the one we started, and yeah, it felt good, but we need a booster.

That nice, warm feeling, where you feel like you could do anything, comes washing over me again.

This is what I'm gonna need till it's time to leave Praxium.

I'll show Uncle Luke that I'm not the Dark Side bound loser he thinks I am.

"What're you guys doing out here?" My sister just arrived home. Good thing we finished smoking.

"It's a nice night," I tell her, grinning.

"Did you meet your friend?" she asks, but not being mean or snoopy. For a chance.

"Yeah. Did you?"

"Had a great time. Well, dancing the night away's tough on a body, so I'm off to bed."

"What sorta dancing you think she was talking about?"

"Well, dancing. Jaina likes to go dancing."

"What about the horizontal bop?"

"Shut up, twerp." I don't care to listen to that kinda talk if it's about Jaina. Not that she can't take care of herself, she can, but you don't think about your sister in ways like that. Or you shouldn't.

"Think I could ask her out?"

"You really are high, aren't you? No way she'd go out with you. She's hot for Jag Fel, and that's all she wrote."

A short time later, the door opened again, only this time it was Leia.

"Mom?" I really don't need this right now.

"I heard something from the balcony. You guys are up early."

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up," I tell her.

"You didn't. I'm going back to bed."

Mom was back in her room before we spoke again.

"That was close." Seems like we've had a lotta close calls tonight.

"Think she suspects anything?"

"Nah."

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Han)

"Seems like coming home's lifted our boy's spirits," I said to Leia as we crawl into bed next to each other. "Wonder if we should send him back."

"I asked him and he said no, he was looking forward to going back," Leia says to me. "Maybe he just needed the downtime."

"Probably."

For some reason, though, Jacen and his pal Dersh's change of heart makes me more than a little suspicious. I hadn't been around it in a while, but I remember it from my smuggling days.

Glitterstim.

That's ridiculous, I tell myself. No way can Jacen afford that stuff. He did ask me for some money to buy a young lady he seems fond of a birthday gift, but that was only 300 credits. He'd be lucky to buy a day's worth of stim for that price. Jaina asked for more money than that just to go shopping for some clothes. It was sort of a shock that she wanted to go clothes shopping. She assured me there was no young scoundrel trying to make the moves on her.

She's a bad liar.

"Nice having the kids around this week," Leia says to me, and we kiss. The warmth and softness of her lips floods me.

"They'll be home again in a month, and then they'll be done. I know Jarik misses his big brother."

"Anakin's playing sabacc again, isn't he?"

"With the guys from the building? He's playing at sabacc. Really playing it, that's a ways off for him."

"Well, he does come from a father who's racked up a prodigious number of wins over the years," she says and starts running a hand up my thigh.

"Don't do that unless you mean it," I warn her, kissing her back.

"I never joke about these things," she says, and it doesn't take long before we have a serious mental break from parenting and lose ourselves in the love between a man and a woman who've been together for a long time now.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Leia)

Han's headed out on a cargo run, and takes Jaina, Jacen and Dersh to their transport.

I'm not sure what happened, but Jacen was certainly excited to get back to Praxium. Maybe all he did need was a week at home, but I'm suspicious. I think Han thinks something's going on as well, but he hasn't said anything to me. Jacen has always been moody, and maybe with adolescence in full swing, he's on an upward trend.

His friend Dersh is nice enough, but I get a weird vibe from him. He played along with Jarik and Jacen's menagerie, but something about him sits wrong with me. I consider relaying my concerns to Luke, but decide against it. I have no concrete evidence against the child that would indicate he's doing anything wrong. He was certainly a polite enough houseguest.

I know that Luke can be very rigid at times, and he and I have argued over this, but maybe Jacen's realized that some discipline is not necessarily bad. You may not think of Han as disciplined, but he didn't get to be where he is by being a slacker. He just likes to give the appearance of one. With the kids, he's more the disciplinarian than I am.

"I wanted Jacen to stay," Jarik complains to me.

"C'mon, you little twerp, let's go down to the pool," Anakin says, picking him up and dangling Jarik by the heels.

"Put me down, you dick!" Jarik shouts.

"Where did you hear that word?" I demand.

"From Dad!"

"You weren't supposed to hear that," I tell him firmly.

"He was talking to some guy who sold him bad parts for the hyperdrive," Anakin explained.

"Yeah. He called him a fucking moron, too."

Did I just say that Han was a good disciplinarian?

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Jaina)

Jag's not going back with me. He's done training and he's gonna start preparing for his exams to get into Navy pilot training.

I had the best time with him this week. And the best night of all was last night.

Let's just say I'm not a virgin anymore and leave it at that.

I wasn't sure how it'd go or if it would hurt or if I'd not know what to do. But Jag sure did. He is also no longer a virgin. So we were fumbling a bit, but decided to go for it, and it was...incredible. He told me when we got dressed that I was glowing.

I still am, at least inwardly.

I'll miss him terribly. We'll come home one more time, and then we'll be back on Coruscant at our day school.

Just thinking about him makes every nerve in me tingle.

I know it's mean, but I kept wanting to blurt out 'hey Daddy, I'm not a virgin anymore!' when he took us to our transport, but that'd be just too mean. And he'd ground me till I was like thirty or something. He's so weird about that stuff. Mom just says, be sure you can trust your partner and use protection. She was a virgin till she was 21, but that's because she's never done it with anyone but my dad.

She says you'll know when you find The One.

I've already found him.

Life is good.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Jacen)

One thing's worrying me. We seem to be going through the stim faster than I thought we would. At this rate, we're gonna be out in a week, not three weeks.

"We gotta figure out where we can get some around here," I tell Dersh. "There's no way this is gonna last till I get back to Coruscant."

"I didn't think we'd go through it that fast. Maybe we should just do it in the morning and not at night."

"We can try that." I dunno. I tell myself I'm not using more, but fact is, it's taking more to get a good buzz. And that kinda scares me. So we'll slow down a little.

Except that by the time we finish fencing, I'm damn near ready to collapse. I gotta get some stim in me. And I gotta make sure Dersh doesn't catch me. We split the stash we got on Coruscant, and mine's getting awful low. I dunno what we're gonna do. I don't think I can get more money from Dad. Mom, maybe. But if Dad told her how much he gave me - and I'm sure he did - she won't give me any. Mom and Dad don't have secrets.

I have lots.

Only good thing about being back is seeing Tenel Ka. We sat together at lunch and she told me about her crummy visit with her mom.

I leave out the part where we went to the lower levels and just barely escaped getting arrested by CoruSec. I'm sure if she knew I was doing synth stim she'd scream and run and turn me into Uncle Luke.

Maybe I should tell her. Maybe she can help me.

No, can't risk it. Nothing she can do, anyway.

"Want to sit together at dinner?" Tenel Ka asks me.

"Sure. I'll be right down. I...I need a Zopran. Kinda got a headache."

"I'll save you a place." She treats me to one of her rare smiles.

I race up to my room. Okey's not there, thank the gods. Fortunately, he's not nosey.

I don't dare light the smoking tube. I'll just snort it. Just a little.

That took a little more than I wanted, but now, I'm king of the galaxy again, ready to take on anything.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Tenel Ka)

I need to talk to Jaina. I'm going to sit with Jacen at dinner and I want to get her opinion before he comes down.

"Hey," Jaina says to me. "What's on your brain?"

"Um, I dunno - do you think Jacen's acting strangely?"

She barks a laugh. "Jacen's been acting strangely for as long as I can remember."

Sometimes with Jaina it can be hard to get a straight answer from her. I wish I found her as funny as a lot of people do. But that's my fault. I'm not a humorous person.

Jacen is the only person here who makes me laugh. I always wanted to have a good sense of humor but that's just not who I am. But Jacen's so sensitive and sweet and I'm worried about him.

"You have to admit, it's weird. He's totally on top of it, then he's totally depressed."

Jaina, to my surprise, takes me seriously.

"Yeah, I've noticed that. I thought it was just because he had a good week at home, but I can't help but feel there's something weird going on."

"Please don't tell him I asked you about this."

Jaina looks at me, and she's totally serious this time. "Let's see what we can find out together, if there's actually something there."

Jacen comes to our table and spins me around. "Hey there!" he says happily.

This isn't the Jacen I met.

My senses say something's not right here, but I have no idea what it is.

We need to talk. But not here.


	11. Chapter 11

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 11

(Jacen)

We've gotta get some more stim. Like tonight. We're almost out, I'm not gonna make it without some.

I should quit. I really should. But when I'm not using, I feel like crap. I need more of it. Fortunately, I didn't use the whole 300 credits, but I've only got 120 left and that's not gonna get me much.

"We gotta find this guy," I tell Dersh.

"I know, I know! Gods, Solo, you're a fucking pain in the ass!"

Dersh hasn't been in a good mood lately.

Neither have I.

"We'll go tonight. I'm pretty sure I can remember. Now quit whining at me like a little bitch."

"Fuck you," I tell him and head off. I'm sick of him.

I'm sick of everybody. Even Tenel Ka, she keeps looking at me like she's so worried about me. I like her a lot, but I hate it when everyone's got eyes on me, and it feels like that all the time. Jaina won't stop asking me what's wrong. Uncle Luke keeps telling me my anger's taking me to the Dark Side. Aunt Mara tries to talk to me, but she'll just go back and tell Uncle Luke what I said. I don't trust her.

I don't even wanna think about Mom, Dad, Anakin and Jarik.

I'm tired of being the family loser. Hell, I'm tired of being a loser, period.

I wish I could just make things go away. But even Jedis can't do that. At least not this one.

I'm in my room. It's gonna be dinnertime soon. I really miss Dad's and Mom's cooking. I know, I never thought I'd say I miss Mom's cooking, but she's gotten good. And she's on leave.

The problem is, I think she agrees with Uncle Luke about being 'disciplined' in using the Force. Whatever that means.

There's a knock at my door. I hope it's Tenel Ka. I love her so much, I can't stand to have her see me like this. I don't know what she sees in me.

I open it, but it's Jaina. "Are you ready to come to dinner?" she asks me.

"Where's Tenel Ka?"

"She'll meet us downstairs. She's been doing some extra practice. She thought you were gonna join her."

I totally spaced. I can't even remember when I'm supposed to do something with Tenel Ka.

I suck.

"Yeah, okay." I leave with Jaina.

She stops and looks at me. "I think you should go home," she says to me.

I don't know what to say.

"I thought you'd be doing better after being on break, but you're just acting crazy."

No, dear twin sister, I'm not acting crazy. I am crazy.

I hate eating these days. If you eat, it harshes your buzz faster. So for the first time in my life, I'm not a chubette. I guess that's a bonus.

But Tenel Ka's gonna be there, and I really wanna see her in the worst way.

"Jacen? I just said maybe you should go home," Jaina repeats.

"I heard you the first time, dammit!"

"Maybe you shouldn't join Tenel Ka and me." She stomps off. She does that when she's pissed off or stressed out or whatever it is that drives Jaina.

My twin sister has become a total stranger to me. Along with everyone else.

01123581321345589144233377610987

"I waited for you," Tenel Ka asks me, her calm grey eyes sizing me up.

"I'm sorry. I was tired. I-I took a nap."

She doesn't say anything, just nods at me. I'm sure she knows I'm lying. But when we get to the table, she holds my hand underneath it. "Let's take a walk after dinner," she says.

"Okay."

One of Jaina's other buds sits down with us. He's friends with mostly Jaina but Tenel Ka, too. I don't like the way he's looking at either of them. I stare at him, hoping he'll take the hint and get lost. The three talk and laugh about the lightsabers we're supposed to start making tonight. We've talked about building them in class, now we have to start making them.

I couldn't care less about making a lightsaber. I'd rather do something useful, like come up with treatments for sick animals that eases their pain and trauma. Even Uncle Luke says the Force can be used like that, but it's best to be prepared as the Jedi are the peacekeepers of the galaxy.

I'm not interested in being prepared to be a soldier of any kind. My mom and dad lived through the war and they have some pretty gruesome stories to tell. They lost a lot of friends. They got into bad situations. Uncle Luke helped them, yeah, but they helped him, too. In fact, Mom and Dad say Luke lost the most in the war. But it takes from everybody, they said. Nobody got out without losing something or someone.

"Jacen, you should try to eat something," Tenel Ka whispers to me. "You're looking way too thin."

I smile at her, or I try to. "I think that's the first time anyone's ever said that to me."

"Let's go outside," she says, and we take our trays to the dishwashing window.

Evenings are kind of nice on Yavin. Not as hot as Coruscant. It's a lot greener here. Lots of forests and meadows. They've got bugs, but they don't bother me much.

Tenel Ka loops her arm through mine and we walk quietly till we reach a huge rock near one of the lakes that are all over Yavin. We sit down. She looks at me, her stare calm but penetrating.

"Jacen. Tell me what you're doing." Her tone is gentle, but her eyes say, don't even try lying to me.

I can't tell her. She'll leave me and never talk to me again. I just know it.

"Jacen. Something is up with you. I'm your friend, and I want to help you."

"I don't think you can."

"Maybe not, but let me be the judge of that."

I look back into her face. "You have to promise not to tell anyone."

"I don't know that I can do that. But I will do everything I can, and there has to be someone out there that will help you. Your mom and dad seem real nice."

I'm trying not to cry. Tears start stinging my eyes.

She wraps her arms around me.

"Stim," I finally choke out. "Synth-stim."

"You've been doing synth stim," she says, her voice quiet.

"My uncle keeps telling me I'm headed for the Dark Side. Well, here I am." I can't keep the anger out of my voice.

She doesn't seem freaked out by it, which sort of freaks me out.

"You're not headed anywhere near the Dark Side. You're a good person who's destroying himself while trying to save himself."

How does she stay so calm? I'd like to know. I'm ruining my life but she can stay perfectly even.

"I think Jaina is right. You need to go home," she says.

"I can't let Uncle Luke find out about this."

"You should let Jaina know. She already suspects something's up with you. You've blocked your mind from hers."

"Yeah, well, sometimes a guy likes some privacy." I can't believe how bitter I sound.

"But Jaina cares about you. She hasn't shared her concerns with anyone but me and presumably Jag. And Jag's not here."

"I don't think I was cut out to be a Jedi knight."

"Not everyone with the Force is. I am, but we're different people. I listen to you talk about animals and I'm struck by how much compassion you have for them, and when you talk about your parents and your brothers, and yes, even Jaina, it's clear how much you love them and want to do well by them."

"Yeah, well, I seem to always be a day late and a credit short."

"I think your parents would understand and get you help. You always say how your dad especially solves problems on his feet and keeps his cool. Comm him, please."

"I think you should get back if you're gonna build your lightsaber," I tell her. "I'll walk you."

"I want to make sure you're gonna be okay, Jacen. I care about you very deeply." She's being serious, too.

"Believe it or not, the feeling's mutual."

"I know." She gazes at me calmly. "Let's comm your dad. If you want, I'll stay with you."

"No, go make your lightsaber."

"Promise you'll get in touch with your mom and dad."

"I will." I'm not sure, but I think my dad might be cool about dealing with this. I hope. Because he can have a real wicked ass temper when you piss him off.

01123581321345589144233377610987

I take Tenel Ka to the lightsaber class and leave her there. I'm on my way to my room when I'm stopped. By Uncle Luke.

He holds up a glassine sleeve that holds my little bit of synth stim.

"I found this in your room," he says, and his voice is cold as ice. "I found a lot more in Dersh's room. I'm kicking him out. You're my nephew and I think you should concentrate on your studies or risk being turned to the Dark Side."

I start screaming but it's like it's coming out of someone else's body. "You can shut the fuck up about the Dark Side! I'm tired of the way you try to make everyone so afraid that they'll do what you want!"

"I do not terrorize fellow Jedi. I simply warn them of the consequences of what their actions will be. My father became part of the Dark Side, although he was not for the last few minutes of his life. He was supposed to have been The Chosen One."

"Shut the fuck up! I don't care about my grandfather! My mom's told me enough, and my dad hates him, too!"

"Hatred and anger are the easiest path to the Dark Side."

I'm taller than he is. And younger.

I'm watching in slo mo as I take a swing at him.

He grabs my arm before it reaches him.

"Go to your room, meditate, and tomorrow, we'll discuss ways to get you on the right path," he tells me.

"You don't get it, do you? I don't want to be a Jedi! How many times do I have to say it?"

"You don't choose to be a Jedi or not to be one. You have a destiny!"

And then, I hit. Hard. He's down on the floor.

Aunt Mara comes out. "Luke, are you all right?" She asks. And then she looks up and sees me.

"I told him to go to his room and meditate," he whines.

"He's in no condition for that."

"The Force will guide him away from this - if he allows it to."

"Gods of all the heavens, Luke, he's addicted to synth stim! He needs more than meditation!" Aunt Mara's about the only person who can get Uncle Luke to change his mind about anything and her track record isn't even great.

"Go to your room," Uncle Luke says, with that I'm The King Of The Universe type of calm voice.

I'll go to my room, all right. As for meditating, though, fuck that noise.

I'm gonna call my dad.

If only I knew what to say to him.


	12. Chapter 12

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 12

(Mara)

"We have to let him go home," I say to my husband. His nose is a bit banged up and he's probably going to be aching tomorrow, but he'll survive.

I hate arguing with Luke, but he can be so stubborn at times that I just want to smack him over the head with my lightsaber. I have so far restrained myself.

"Mara, we have some fantastic healers in the Temple," he argues with me.

"I don't think he's ready for it." The healers do well, but Jacen's in a spot where he really needs his parents to be involved. For now, we'll take him to one of the healers from the temple. He'll be going through withdrawal, and I think they can help him in that way. It will depend upon his frame of mine once he's gone through withdrawal as to whether or not he can be healed here or in a different, medically oriented setting. "We can take him tonight, but I really think Han and Leia need to know what's going on." 

"I have to disagree on that," Luke says to me. "Especially Han. He's always been skeptical of the Force, and I'm not ready for a shouting match with my brother in law."

I think, maybe a shouting match with your brother in law would bore a hole in your at times very thick head. However, Han has an equally thick head.

"We have healer trainees," he points out.

"Nomi and Drixx are doing very well in their studies, but I don't think they're ready for this." The problem is that they're basically teaching themselves - Luke and I have done some studying on Jedi healing, but we aren't all that knowledgeable and there's very little literature available to them.

"Maybe we could have them come and stay with Jacen until his withdrawal is complete."

"I think he needs medical support. But I think we need to survey the literature." I'm not confident of keeping him here. "And I think he needs his parents."

"His parents are an eight hour flight away."

"Then let's take him to the medcenter."

Luke doesn't like this. "Why don't we have Nomi and Drix stay with him tonight?"

"I'm not convinced it's safe. What if withdrawal gives him seizures, for example? I know we know what to do - until medical help arrives."

"Let's look it up." Luke grabs a datapad. At least he's being more reasonable now.

"I need to get Ben ready for bed," I tell him.

"I'll come with you after I check on Jacen first."

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Jacen)

I'm sitting, my comm in my hands, wanting to call my dad, but what'm I gonna say. 'Hi Dad, guess what? I just got kicked outta Praxium because I'm doing drugs.'

Doesn't sound like a great way to start a conversation.

Actually, I haven't been kicked out. I wish that'd happen, like right now.

01123581321345589144233377610987

There's a knock on my door. It's Uncle Luke.

"Jacen?" He doesn't sound mad or pompous or anything. He actually sounds like he's trying to be...nice.

"What?"

"Have you talked to your parents?"

"Not yet."

"I think you need some medical supervision. We have two healer trainees, as you know, but after consulting some of the literature, I think we're not equipped to deal with what you're going through right now."

"Okay."

"I just never thought this could happen in the Praxium, but I guess it can happen anywhere."

"Apparently so."

"You know that you can use the Force to help heal yourself. Not yet. But I'd like you to have that chance when you're ready."

"I always let everybody down."

"No, Jacen, you mostly let yourself down. But that doesn't make me blameless in all this. I think I can become a better teacher."

"Aunt Mara yelled at you, didn't she?" I actually laugh, and so does he.

"Well, yeah, she did." He smiles. "Mara keeps me human. Or tries to."

"You talk about it's not a choice to be a Jedi."

"I feel as if I was, well, called to this. But maybe it is a choice. My father might have been a good father if he could have chosen not to be a Jedi. He wasn't really given the option."

"I don't wanna be like him. I'm scared."

"Believe it or not, I know what you mean."

"You keep saying I'm gonna end up on the Dark Side."

"No. I think you're problem is that you're addicted to a drug and your judgment isn't serving you well."

"Did you know about Renfro?"

"Renfro was bad news. I wasn't even aware of the drugs until Dersh told me. I just figured he was destined to go to the Dark Side. I still do. Renfro, we tried to turn him, but he wasn't buying."

"Do I have to go to the medcenter?"

"I think so, yeah. This won't be easy, Jacen."

"I know. I already feel like I'm down in all nine hells."

"When you're feeling better, maybe you could come back and work with Nomi and Drixx. They're studying to be healers. I know that's what you want to do."

"I really messed up. All I ever do is mess up."

"We all do. I never told you, but I messed up my training."

"How?" I mean, he's like the most all perfect Jedi."

"I was trained by Yoda, as you know."

"Yeah?"

"I hadn't even gone half way through my training, and I had a vision of your mom and dad, who weren't your mom and dad yet. They were on Bespin, and they were in trouble."

"Yeah. They told me. My dad got put into carbonite freeze. And Vader wanted you, not them, but they hurt my parents anyway."

"Everyone's got demons they need to face. Mine was my father. Yours is addiction."

"Guess I better call my dad."

"I'll call him. I'm going to stay with Ben and Aunt Mara will take you to the medcenter with Nomi and Drixx."

I can't take it anymore. I break down and cry.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Han)

Incoming. Just when it looked like my Drednoughts were finally going to score.

It's Luke.

"Yeah," I say to him. "Ah hell! No!" They blew it. That's my team, always snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

"It's about Jacen."

"Isn't it always?"

"He's being taken to the medcenter."

"What?! What the hell have you done to my kid!"

"He's addicted to synth stim."

"What the hell's going on at that place where my kids are supposed to learn about some goddamn Force - "

Leia rips the comm from my hand. "What's this about?"

"I was just talking to Han about Jacen, and Jacen needs to go to the medcenter - "

I snatch the comm back from Leia. "How the hell did our son get that shit!"

"We had a problem with a couple of trainees. Jacen got involved with them before we figured it out."

I'm ready to kill my brother in law.

"I'll be there in 8 hours!" I cut the call off. I've heard all I care to. "Leia! I've gotta fly out! We gotta get Jacen home."

"I can call Chewie, ask him to stay with Anakin and Jarik."

"No. Let me do this alone. If I'm going to kill your brother - and I may - I don't want you around to witness it!"

"You are not doing this alone! He's my son, too!"

One thing I've learned about Leia Organa Solo: if she's made up her mind, resistance is futile.

"Fine! But get Chewie up here NOW!"


	13. Chapter 13

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 13

(Leia)

We're halfway to Yavin when the hyperdrive fails - again. This was not a very opportune time for the _Falcon_ to lose her temper, but that's the way she is. I'm piloting while Han attempts to repair it, spitting out obscenities in at least a dozen different languages.

There are moments when I wish it was Chewie in the pilot's seat and not me. This is one of those times, and not just because we're in a hurry. What's more upsetting is that we have to face the fact that our son is in very deep trouble, and neither of us has a clue as to what to do about it. We've been arguing the entire time we've been flying, and all it says is that we're desperate and hurting. We're no closer to an answer than we were when we were back in our living room.

"Leia!" I hear him roar. "Put the damn ship on auto and get down here!"

I set the course to auto and head on down.

"I don't appreciate being screamed at like an underling!" I snap at him.

"Well, excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess. I'd like to get our son out of that godsforsaken Praxium as soon as possible!"

"And you think I don't?"

"I don't know what to think! I was against the kids training to be Jedi all the way down, especially Jacen!"

"So why didn't you say something?"

"I said plenty! You and your sorry excuse for a brother refused to hear me!"

"You and I agreed that they could begin training at 15!"

"And you thought this was a good idea!"

"Jaina seems to be fine with it, so I'm not going to stick it all on Luke!" Really, keep my brother out of this. I'm furious with him, but I really would prefer not to fracture our family, which is perilously close to happening.

"Yeah, well, we should have gone with what we thought was right and not made Jacen go!"

"He has a power he has to discipline to be able to not do damage!"

"So do you, and you're fine! Hold this!" He needs me to hold two diodes in place while he solders.

"Aargh!" Han ends up burning a finger with the liquid solder.

"I'll get the synthskin and bacta," I tell him.

"That can wait. Now hold it. Please."

"Well, since you've asked so nicely, I'll consider it." I don't really want to be sarcastic, but it falls so easily out of my mouth.

This time, the soldering is completed properly and solidifies correctly.

"Hold this wiring," he says as he attempts to attach the formerly broken power coupling.

It occurs to me that it was nearly twenty years ago that we were standing here in the circuitry bay, trying to fix the hyperdrive. The site of our first kiss.

Han scowls and snarls for a few more minutes. "Go up and try it, please," he says.

"In a moment." I go over to him and take his injured hand, the way he took my scratched one on that escape from the Imperial forces.

"What're you doing?" he asks me, still scowling a little.

"I wanted to make sure your hand was all right."

"It's fine." But he doesn't let go of my hand or try to pull it away.

"You know, it's silly for us to argue at a time like this."

"It is. And I know, sometimes I really make it hard."

"Yes, you do. But I love you, you scoundrel." I pull him gently towards me till our lips are touching.

I begin to feel the anger and frustration flowing out of me. We kiss again, holding each other close. He buries his head into my hair. He's gulping breaths of air. I think he's doing it because he's close to losing it, and that's not who he is.

"This is where it all started," he says, lifting his head and looking into my eyes.

"Yes, it is."

"I'm not sorry for a moment of it."

I feel the tears sting my eyes. "Neither am I. I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do, Han."

"We'll get through this, sweetheart. How, I haven't gotten that far yet, but we'll be all right."

"I just hope our son will be."

"Me too."

We kiss again, and I reluctantly go up into the cockpit to try the hyperdrive.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Han)

It takes two more hours, but I finally get the hyperdrive operational. It's a kluge job and it needs some replacement parts and more refined work, but all I care about right now is making sure our son is all right.

I'm glad Leia reminded me that this is where we got started, right here in the circuitry bay. When things get rough between us, somehow, one of us can find something that grounds us. Leia's much better at this than I am.

"I let Luke know we'd be late," Leia tells me.

"I'm guessing he's pretty pissed off."

"No, he sounds...introspective. He seems to realize that maybe, just maybe, while the Force can be helpful, it can't solve all your problems."

"Lemme guess. Mara chewed him out."

Leia laughs. "No doubt. She keeps him grounded."

"I'd ground him for like a month," I mutter. She understands; she's smiling.

"She'd probably do it for longer."

Our emotions are running riot, but there's something about being in the cockpit with the woman who's the love of your life and the mother of your children that brings a sense of peace, even in the worst of times. I watch her face. She has a few laugh lines around her mouth and eyes, and I think they make her even more beautiful. It's a face that shows great strength of character. No one I've ever met is stronger than Leia Organa Solo, and dare I say I'm blessed that she is my anchor in life, and at no time more than now.

We still don't know how to handle what's in front of us, but if I think about it, we've been here before. Somehow we've always gotten through and survived.

I've navigated asteroid fields, successfully outrun Imperial star destroyers, been frozen in carbonite, been nearly killed more times than I can count.

None of that has ever frightened me more than what my son is going through right now.

"Maybe you should get some sleep," I tell Leia.

"No," she says, laying her hand over mine. "I'm here with you. That's what I need most right now."

If she only knew how much it's really the other way around.


	14. Chapter 14

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 14

(Luke)

I have to say that I've never felt more humiliated in my life. A great many of my assumptions have been torn apart tonight, starting with a broken nose, courtesy of my nephew.

I told myself long ago that I'd make peace with my father, that he died as Anakin Skywalker, not Darth Vader. But if I've learned anything today, it's that I still fear becoming what he was as Vader. I still fear the Dark Side and see it everywhere.

It's forcing me to rethink my idea that to be a Jedi is a gift that cannot be denied. I don't think it can, but I've been pretty inflexible in thinking that all Jedi need to embrace the Force in the same way.

My wife's been telling me that for years. I think maybe I should listen to her once in a while.

I was certainly wrong about Jacen.

I felt he was willfully turning to the Dark Side.

That wasn't the case. There's a lot of good in Jacen. He's a screwed up kid, not a Darth candidate.

I'm at home with Ben; Mara, Jaina and Tenel Ka are with Jacen. He asked for them. I know he's angry at me. Maybe he has a right to be.

I may be strong with the Force; I could use a little guidance as to how I'm going to deal with Han and Leia, who are on their way here. I hate to admit it, but I felt some relief when Leia comm'd me to say that the hyperdrive went down for the kajillionth time. I think if Han could have reached through his comm, he'd have strangled me by now. Let me just say that I'm more than a little anxious about being confronted my sister and brother in law.

I call for Ben (Kenobi, not my son). Nothing.

I call for Yoda. I sense nothing.

I finally, desperately, ask for my father.

He says he can't help me. I have to deal with this alone.

And so does Jacen.

01123581321345589144233377610987

(Leia)

Mara has notified us to meet her, Jaina and Tenel Ka at the North City Medcenter, where Jacen has been admitted. We land outside of town and take a hovercab into the city. Yavin 4 is still covered with beautiful forests, but the city is growing, and the planners had the good sense to incorporate the greenery. Right now, though, it's difficult to appreciate the beauty of it.

I hate to admit to this, but I confess that I'm grateful that my brother is not at the hospital. I don't hold him completely responsibe; there's plenty of blame to go around, and Han and I are at the top of the list.

We're quiet; it's hard to think of what to say in a situation like this. Han and I are both nervous, scared, anxious, worried, uncertain...just go through the list. We held hands a lot during the flight, trying to remind ourselves that we've been through a lot and we're pretty skilled at handling a crisis, but this is way out of our league.

We tell the droid at the information desk that we're here to see Jacen Solo and that we're his parents. The droid informs us that we should follow the blue lines.

There are five colors of lines painted on the floor: green, red, yellow, orange and blue.

"I'll probably get lost anyway," Han mutters. He hates medcenters. I have no great love for them myself, now more than ever.

We're greeted by a pleasant spoken droid.

"You'll want to talk to his medic, of course," the droid said.

"We need to see our boy," Han says, his voice tight.

"Of course, sir." The droid indicates where Jacen's room is and we walk towards it, not knowing what to expect.

We stand outside. Mara is in the room with Jacen, mopping his forehead

I look at my son. He's shaking and his skin is damp.

"Jacen, your mom and dad are here," she says gently to him.

My son, who is a big guy like his father, looks small and frightened.

"I'm sorry," Jacen whispers harshly.

Han takes our son in his arms. "It's gonna be all right, kiddo."

"I fucked up!" Jacen is nearly in tears.

"Let's not worry about that now," Han says soothingly to him, rubbing his back. "Let's worry about getting you better."

I try not to cry. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Let's step out for a moment," Mara says quietly to me. We step into the hallway. She gives me a hug.

"He looks so sick," I say, not able to keep the tears from falling.

"He's going to be sick for probably another 24 hours, if the medic is to be believed. The next step, once he's fully detoxed, is to try to reset his brain, if you will. I'll let his medic explain it to you." She looks at me straight on. "I sent Jaina and Tenel Ka to get some food. I wanted them to go back to the Praxium, but they insisted on staying. Let's go there for now."

We find Jaina and Tenel Ka at a table, eating pastries and drinking one of the sugary kaf concoctions they're so fond of.

"Mom!" Jaina jumps up and hugs me so hard she almost knocks me out of breath. I'm so happy to see her. Once she lets go, I give Tenel Ka a hug as well, even though hers is not as strong.

"Where's Daddy?" Jaina asks.

"He's with Jacen right now."

"Jacen was so afraid you'd be mad at him," Jaina says, her tone remarkably subdued.

"Honey, to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel right now. I just want him to be all right."

"Me too," Jaina says sadly. Tenel Ka nods, her face full of concern. She's a very serious young girl, and I can tell that she cares deeply for my son.

Mara gets two kafs and hand ones to me. I suddenly realize how tired I am. And I suspect that I haven't seen anything yet.

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(Han)

My first son is in my arms. He's a mess.

"Hang on, kiddo," I tell him. "You're gonna be fine."

He's been sobbing and I can feel him shaking. He's nearly as tall as I am, but I feel more as if he was a newborn. He's sweating and freezing. He's got my hopelessly unruly hair, and it's matted and oily.

"I wasn't fine before," he says to me, his sobs quieting after what seems like forever but really hasn't been more than a few minutes.

"I don't think it's that. I think that maybe, well, you're wired differently."

"I don't fit in anywhere."

"You do. Maybe you just haven't found yet where you should be. Listen, I was nearly 30 years old before I found my place in the galaxy."

"When you met Mom." 

"When I met your mom. But I also discovered that I needed to be part of something bigger than myself, and that took longer. I stayed on for the revolution because of your mom, but eventually, it became my cause as well."

"Which was marrying Mom."

"Well, there is that, but I found that the war was speaking to things I had that I didn't even realize I did."

"I don't think I wanna ever be in a war."

"Trust me, I've had plenty of that. I'm done. Not the optimal way to discover things about yourself, but I've always needed to be slammed over the head with a 2 by 4." He laughs a little. That's good enough for me. "Kiddo, I know it feels like the end of the world right now and you're probably wondering how you're gonna make it through in the days ahead."

"You don't know how horrible this is."

"Actually, son, that's not quite true. I knew someone with an addiction problem. That was a long time ago, but I remember how hard it was."

"Lemme guess: there was a girl."

"There's always a girl, Jace." I laugh. I haven't thought of Bria in a very long time. A wealthy girl turned religious slave turned addict turned revolutionary. But there's a big difference between her and Leia: Leia would never use someone simply to achieve her own ends. "In fact, you've got a pretty nice one from what it looks like."

"Jaina has no idea how to keep her fucking mouth shut sometimes."

"No, she has no idea how to keep her mouth shut all the time. But I know she's very worried and wants to help you."

He's stopped shaking. "I dunno how."

"I think this whole thing has knocked her down some."

"Sometimes we're so different, I can't even believe we're twins."

Neither can I, but I'm not about to say that. Despite my deplorable lack of tact, I'm not a completely insensitive boor. At least not all the time.

"Want me to get your mom?"

"No, not right now. Can you...just you...stay for a while?"

"I'm your dad. Of course I can."

And what scares me is that this is the easy part.


	15. Chapter 15

I'D SELL MY SOUL, BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIND IT

Chapter 15

(Leia)

Jacen's medics are seated with us in a 'family room,' which is supposed to be comfortable. I suppose by most medcenter furnishings, it's not terrible.

"As you know, synth stim is very popular right now," Jacen's attending medic begins.

"Skip that crap and get to it," Han says sharply. "All we wanna know is what we can to help our son."

Sometimes Han's manners can be less than spectacular, but this time, I'm grateful him telling them we're here to do business.

"There are several treatment alternatives. All of them have their strong points and drawbacks. We will have to come up with a treatment plan that best suits Jacen, of course."

"So what are our alternatives?" I ask. I'm very impatient, most likely because I've done more than my share of kaf loading, but also because I want to get Jacen out of here and back on Coruscant as quickly as possible.

"The first, of course, is to permit him to detox, which he's completed, and do nothing. I highly recommend not following this course; too often, the user relapses and rapidly."

"Great," Han mutters. Jacen's attending, fortunately, seems to be a patient man, and when dealing with the Solos, patience counts for a lot. "So what else?"

"Well, we can prescribe medications to help Jacen control his cravings and help heal his depression. There are all different kinds of addicts, but he's what we'd call a self medicator."

"Don't say it," I say, my teeth clenched. I know what Han's going to say, and if he expects to ever get lucky in bed again, he'll keep his mouth shut.

"I wasn't gonna say anything," Han shoots back. "Okay, so we cure my son from using drugs by giving him drugs."

"The drugs used to control cravings aren't, of course, intended for long term use. As for the medications for controlling depression, that could be very long term, perhaps lifelong."

"What else?" I ask.

"Now that Jacen's detoxed, we could put a scanner over his bed, and he would have to lie down several times a day. What it does is lines up his brain waves and slowly begins to, if you will, re-educate the brain. It takes a long time to be effective and the patient must be diligent."

"Go on," I tell the medic.

He seems slightly disconcerted by the fact that we're rushing him through things.

"We can also do electroconvulsive therapy. It is generally highly effective, although there may be some damage to the areas of the brain where memory is housed. Most patients do well on it."

"Define 'well,'" Han says, and his tone has not mellowed. In this situation, I don't want him to. This is our firstborn son we're talking about.

"About 65 percent of patients do well. Most memory loss is temporary, and the recurrence rates for addiction and depression are less than 35 percent."

"35 percent chance that my son won't get well. I get better odds at the sabacc table," Han says.

The medic shrugs. "Relapse is almost a given. Regardless of the methods of treatment, most addicts relapse two or three times before they're fully in remission."

"So what you're telling us is that we can look forward to this again," Han says, bitterly. I take his hand, not to calm him; I'm as furious as he is. I'm trying to keep my own cool.

The medic shrugs. "I can paint you a more pleasant picture, but you don't seem to be a couple who doesn't appreciate lack of accuracy."

"To put it mildly," Han says to him, his eyes narrowed. "What is wrong with you people? These are the best odds you can give us?" Han's nearly shouting now. And I'm going to let him.

"There is a technique that I briefly mentioned earlier. It goes in and basically resets the brain. It's still in the experimental stages, and it's possible that the patient would have a complete change in personality, but what we do is shrink the amygdala a very small amount."

"How many cases have been recorded?" I ask.

"We've had 47 cases so far."

"That's not very many." Over the years, I've learned a bit about public health and epidemiology.

"As I said, the treatment is experimental."

"I'd like the data on that, please."

"It's restricted to researchers in the field, Ma'am."

"I have one of the highest security clearances you can get. I'll find the data if I have to." In fact, I want to look all these treatments up. I'm not a medic, but I have learned, in no small part thanks to Han, to read statistical tables.

"Very well. At least we're past the time when we considered addiction to be due to moral failings. But there are family groups that you should talk to. Maybe they can give you some ideas."`

I should feel more hope, but after this conversation, I'm more depressed than ever.

"We would like you to release our son," Han says. "We don't live here on Yavin. We live on Coruscant, and we'd like to have him at home."

The medic taps his stylus against the table. "I'd have to advise against that, for at least a few more days."

"We have other children at home," I point out.

"Jacen said he was training at the Praxium," the medic responded.

"You seem to be having some trouble, so let me use small words and speak slowly," Han says to the medic. "Our home is on Coruscant. My wife is a highly place government official. We have other children at home. We will have our son treated on our homeworld, in our way. And one of the ways we want him treated is to have him released today. Now what part of that don't you understand?"

The medic switches his gaze from me to Han several times. "You understand that once he's removed from my care, I have no responsibilities as to what might happen. He will be signed out against medical advice."

"I think we can live with that," I tell him, a bit more tartly than I'd intended. We step up to leave.

"I really do wish the best for Jacen," the medic says. "I'm not comfortable releasing him right now."

"Yeah, well, your comfort's not exactly high on my list of priorities," Han offers as his parting shot.

I love this man.

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We talk to Jaina, Tenel Ka and Mara. Mara tells Jaina that if she needs some time off to be with her twin, she can come back and finish her training whenever she can. Then, we talk to Jacen.

Jacen tells Jaina to keep going for now. She only has another month. He tells Tenel Ka to do the same. She nods, kisses him, and promises to comm him later.

Luke comes by after Mara's gone home.

"Jacen, how are you?" he asks my son. His expression suggests some guilt on his part.

"I'm okay. I'm gonna go home with my folks."

"That sounds like a good idea." He turns to Han and me. "You guys okay?"

"We're a long way from that," Han snaps at him. It's going to take a while for Han to get that this was not all Luke's doing. I know Han, and right now he's upset, and given time, things will calm down between them and they'll be back watching smashball together soon enough.

"I'm sorry," he says to us.

"Look, there are no innocents in this," I say to him. "We all have blame somewhere. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested in Jacen getting well."

"I know. I am, too." Luke seems humble.

Han studies him. "I want a promise from you," he tells Luke, his voice quiet.

"What is it?"

"Never, never, never, tell any of my kids that they're headed for the Dark Side."

Luke lowers his gaze. "I have to be mindful of that. It can happen to any Jedi."

"That's not what I asked." Han snaps at him this time. "You think one of my kids is headed south, fine, tell us, please. But telling Jacen he's headed for the Dark Side is one additional headache he doesn't need right now."

Luke nods in assent.

"Thank you," Han tells him.

"Let me know how he's doing," Luke says to me.

"I will."

"Let's get Jacen and get the hell outta here," Han says, draping his arm over my shoulder.

We have a long way home, and an even longer way after that. And so the journey begins.

FINIS


End file.
